Manspeak

To wrap up my Girly week, I thought I'd go into Manspeak.

For all you guys, I just want to say that I am not claiming to be fluent in Manspeak. It's more that I understand the gist of any given situation - after all, noone but a man can truly speak Manspeak. But I speak Manspeak kind of like how well you speak German after taking it throughout high school.

The guys at work appreciate that I know some Manspeak. Because for them it translates into if I wear a low-cut top I will not get offended if they look at my boobs. They're men, if it's on display they will look. And I kindof figure that if I didn't want them to look, I shouldn't have worn that top.

My girlfriends for the most part like that I can translate for them, for instance -

You slept with him on the first date?? Nope, sorry hon, the best you're going to get is fuck buddy.

Bean loves that I understand his Manspeak. Because for him, it means that as long as he's not drooling over the gorgeous 22 year old blonde that just walked by, I don't really care if he looks. My only request is that if he's going to be obvious enough for me to notice then she better be smokin.

And Oliver is beginning to learn of my Manspeak abilities.

Mom, can you take Tallulah over there??

Translation: There's a hot girl coming and I don't want her to see me hugging my mom and holding her hand.

Mom, I'm going to air dry after my shower, so can you knock before coming in?

Translation: I'm going to play with myself for awhile. Can you guard my door from Tallulah??


But mostly I really hope that in years to come Tallulah appreciates my knowledge.

So that maybe when I tell her dressing like a whore will make boys treat her like a whore, she will listen.

Counting Sheep

Boobies and Christy have this fabulous meme on Fridays..

I love it.

And all you have to do is give everyone and everything that pissed you off this week the big ole finger.

Easy huh??

I didn't play last week because I had such an awesome week that I didn't want to jinx it. This week is a little different.

Fuck you fence that fell on my foot. It hurts like a bitch and I can't wear heels.

Fuck you Alien. It's your fault that I had to use powertools in the first place.

Fuck you Dr. Sleep. I'm not depressed and I don't care if your stupid fucking sleep study showed nothing.. I'm tired!! Fix it.

2 Truths and a Lie

Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
3.Link up
4.Reveal your lie the next week!

Last week I broke the rules, and we played 2 Lies and a Truth.

I got a new piercing last weekend. It was:

1. My eyebrow.

2. My nose.

3. The cartiledge on my left ear.

AHA!! Not a single person got it right. Not even Miley. I feel so accomplished.

It was my nose. It's really cute. And Bean loves it!!

This week we'll go back to 2 Truths and a Lie..

It got cold last weekend and that makes me think of Christmas and holidays.. So we'll go with that.

1. I love having a fire when it's cold, but I don't know how to light one.

2. I had 4 Christmas trees last year and plan on having 7 this year and would like to have 9 in 2011.

3. I spend around $500 on each of my children for Christmas every year.

Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

Things I Do

Since I made you guys all think I'm an idiot yesterday, I thought today I'd try to redeem myself.

Here are some things that I do that maybe aren't girly girl things.

I pay bills. Bean has no idea how much we make or spend or anything. Neither does Mom.

I move furniture. Often. As in whenever I get bored. Which is often. And if there's someone around to help, great. If not, oh well.

I paint. I like to paint walls.

I train my dog. (no, this isn't something I really consider manly, but I do consider my 60 lb dog much manlier than Bean's 8 lb rat dog)

I make good steak.

I put furniture together.

I like to drive and make a terrible passenger.

See. I'm not completely incompetent.

Mostly I'm just about doing what needs to be done. And if noone else will/can do it, then I will. But alot of times I do something and realize that I suck at it. So while I know how it's done, and will do it again if necessary, I will never choose to do it.

Other things (like painting) I did once when I had noone to help me and realized that I do it faster and better than the ones I was calling to help me. So I stopped calling for help.

Things I Don't Do

This week I'm exploring my girliness, so I thought I'd make a list of all the things I don't do that maybe people think I should to be a self-sufficient person (because I'm anal meticulous like that).

I don't do cars. As in check oil or fluid or change tires.

I don't do taping - like around the edges when I paint.

I don't do yard work. At least not if I can help it.

I don't do grilling.

I don't fix things - like leaky pipes or clogged toilets or broken lights.

And I realize that some of you are reading this thinking "what a lightweight!!" or something similar, but let me explain..

I have 13 male cousins who all live in the greater Houston area and I only share them with 2 other girls (Amara doesn't count because she lives in Austin).

I have 4 Uncles.

Many guy friends.

Several incredibly capable girlfriends.

Perry - who likes to prove his manliness by doing shit around my house.

Alien - who is actually relatively handy.

Pa - who is a carpenter.

And Bean, who will do just about anything I ask him to.

So why the hell would I ever need to learn these things??

Yes, I realize that taping is ridiculously easy, but for some reason I do a craptastic job and everything I tape looks like shit. Plus it takes me years to tape a wall. So yeah, I could do it. Or - I could call Perry who does a much better job than I do in a quarter of the time.

Do you understand now??

It's not about being the helpless girl. Its about understanding my limits.

I know that I wouldn't do these things well, and I have many people around me who can do them better and faster and without breaking something - like their foot - so I leave these things to the experts, who almost all just happen to be men.

JJ Plays with Powertools

I mentioned yesterday that I played with powertools this weekend. It was great fun.

See, Alien put this maze up for Oliver's Halloween party. And it consisted of 4 foot fence posts and black tarp running around the back patio.

Well the tarp came down November 1st. But in order to take the fence apart, you needed powertools.

A drill to be more specific.

But I figured Alien would get around to it in a week or so, so I didn't worry.

And then he didn't.

And Bean wasn't feeling great, so he didn't.

And Perry never does anything without being directly asked.

So for almost 2 weeks, I haven't been able to use my back gate or patio.

Saturday I got tired of it.

I called Perry and asked him if he would put the screwdriver thingy on the end of the drill for me when he came over to pick up Oliver's stuff (because I had no idea how to do that part). He did.

And off to take apart the fence I went.

At first I just did the part blocking the back gate, since it was really the pain in the ass, because our driveway goes to the back gate, not the front door, and I have a hard enough time getting Mom to pull all the way up in the driveway when the gate is unblocked, let alone when it's blocked.

Then I waited, because Bean was sleeping for work Saturday night.

When 3:00 rolled around and Bean left for work, I went out to finish the job.

I got all of it taken apart and set to the side and was working on the very last piece when the screw came out a little more quickly than I was expecting and the whole 6 foot section of fence fell on my right foot.

And it hurt like a sonnofabitch.

And I'm not positive that I didn't break something, since it's swollen and a little black around the edges.

Do you see why I don't play with powertools??

It's not because I'm not capable. It's because there is always someone else who can do it better and faster than me and without a fence falling on their foot.

Girly Girl

Last weekend made me think alot.

Because I had to take down Oliver's maze from Halloween and I had to use a powertool which I'd never done before..

I kindof pride myself on not being a "Girly Girl".

I mean I am, I love clothes and shoes and jewelery. I don't enjoy anything remotely outdoorsy and I don't use alot of tools.

But while I do get weepy and emotional every once in awhile, I fully recognize that they are ridiculous feelings and don't usually hold men responsible when they piss me off then.

Also I have no problems with the ways guys think:

If there is boob on display, I will look.

If you let me fuck you on the first date, we will not be serious.

I've had entirely too many guy friends for this not to make sense to me.

So does that make me a girly girl?? I don't know.

But this week, I'm going to find out.

2 Lies and A Truth

Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
3.Link up
4.Reveal your lie the next week!

Last week I said:

1. The book I was so excited to read was written by a dead guy.
Mostly true. The series and the idea for the book and all of it's characters and general plot outline belong to a dead guy, Robert Jordan. The actual writer of it Brandon Sanderson who is very much alive and will be writing one more book for the series.

2. I finished it.
Absolutely true. I promised on Tuesday that it wouldn't take long.

3. I've been reading this series for about 5 years now.
Big fat lie. The only new book series I've picked up in the last 10 years is Twilight.
And this particular series I've been reading for about 15 years. More than half my life.

This week I'm changing it up a little (and hoping that the Drama Mama doesn't mind), since I'm not really one for following rules, and I'm bored, and I have nothing else to lie to you about.

So this week we're going to play 2 Lies and a Truth.

I got a new piercing last weekend. It was:

1. My eyebrow.

2. My nose.

3. The cartiledge on my left ear.

Which one is the truth??

Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

Blog Fodder or A Million Lies and No Truth

I'm coming to realize that I bitch about my starter husband Perry a lot on here.

It's not really because I'm bitter, it's because I have to see him so damn much with him having the kids pretty much half of the time and having them at my house and all.

So I thought I'd explain that I really do have shit to bitch about..

• Perry doesn't shower. Or at least he only did about once a week when we were married (if I was lucky).
• He's a compulsive liar.
• Because he's a compulsive liar I don't know if my daughter is deathly allergic to shellfish and beestings or if he's pulling that shit out of his ass.
• And when I say compulsive liar I mean that for the first year of our marriage I thought he was an Army veteran.
• Turns out he flunked out of boot camp.
• He bullys Oliver.
• Mercilessly.
• His mother is insane.
• By insane I mean that she believes that the Air Force has a special contingent of planes that fly around her house looking out for her.
• And she calls CPS on people when she gets bored.
• He's irrationally obsessed with image and wealth (or at least the illusion of it).
• This combined with his only nodding aquaintance with the truth has some interesting results.
• As in he will tell people that whatever he has or was or did was so high class, when it really wasn't.
• It's actually really kind of funny to watch.
• I'm pretty sure he's in the closet.
• So is just about everyone else who's ever met him.
• He trashes our house everytime he's here. Which is Wednesday, Thursday and every other weekend.
• So I have to spend my time with the kids cleaning up his mess.
• He also randomly moves shit.
• Though I'm pretty sure he only does that to see if he can push me over the edge into certifiable insanity as opposed to mildly mad.
• He's rude to Bean.
• He doesn't have any clue how to help with homework or school projects, and doesn't remember to have the kids do either on his days.
• He pronounces "gay" "gee".

Now do you see??

There's just so much to bitch about, I can't help myself.

It's like he's got a sign on his back that says:

Blog Fodder

Magic Words

I don't have much, it is Monday after all, but I thought I'd share a quick Tallulah story with you.

A few days ago I told the kids it was Tallulah's bedtime and she came in to see me all cute and using her puppy dog eyes to great effect.

Tallulah: Mommy, Oliver and I are playing Playmobil, can we finish this game before bed?

Me: What do we say Tallulah?? Can we finish playing this game.....??

Tallulah: Now??

The Masterful Victory of Oliver the King of the Elves

The hero was minding his own business walking through the forbidden forest.

He was unafraid. He'd faced all of these dangers before.

The fortress that could not be toppled trembled at his footstep.

The sasquatch followed obediently at his heels.

And the giant??

He was the hero's best friend.

No, there were no more mysteries here for him. It was as safe to him as a child's backyard. As it should be, since he was Oliver, King of the Elves.

But on this day something was different.

A serpent had crept into the forest and lay watching him.

As he talked to the giant and played with the sasquatch it came upon him in stealth.

But the serpent could not fool wise Oliver.

He snatched it from the air as it rose to strike.

The snake reared ready to change his target and strike at anything he could, but Oliver was fast.

He threw the serpent into the Bog of No Return, but not before the serpent gave him a parting gift, a bite to the eye.

As the hero watched his foe sink to oblivion, he felt the sting of venom. He screamed.

Luckily for him, the giant knew the way to the old witch's den. There he led the king. Who begged for a potion from the evil hag.

A potion she had. And once Oliver, the King of the Elves, demonstrated his courage and kindness, she gave it to him without delay, instantly healing his grevious injury.

So Oliver, the King of the Elves, our hero can once again stroll through the forbidden forest unhindered.
And the serpent?? He still sinks in the Bog of No Return.

A Bully, A Driveway and A Book

There's this fanfuckingtastic little meme on Fridays..

I love it.

It's hosted by 2 of my favorite ladies - Boobies and Christy.

And all you have to do is give everyone and everything that pissed you off this week the big ole finger.

See the beauty??

For me this week hasn't been so bad but I can always find something to bitch about so..

Fuck you Perry. I'm sorry that your mom is crazy and your dad is mad, and that you felt unloved back in the day when you were the fat, stinky kid. But that does not give you the right to bully our my son.

Fuck you Mom. I realize that you're too fat lazy to walk that extra ten feet so you have to park at the end of the driveway forcing me to either park behind you or park in the street at my own house, but, if you want your car unblocked, do it yourself. After all that's what you make me do when you park there and I'm already home and then want to leave again.

Fuck you my book. I have to wait two more years for the end of the story and it makes me want to jump off a building in despair depresses me just a little. Don't you know that patience is not one of my virtues??

2 Truths and a Lie

Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
3.Link up
4.Reveal your lie the next week!

Last week I said:

1. My cousin is having a baby girl in January.

True. #2 is having a baby girl and she is due in January. The very cool thing about that is - I call him #2 because he is 2 out of 8 boys (and no girls). So Aunt and Uncle Straightlaced are VERY excited. I'm amused and can't wait to see my uncle with a baby girl, it should be interesting.

2. My very good friend Cara had a baby boy in September.

True. And he is quite possibly the most beautiful baby I have ever seen - mine included.

3. I am having a baby in May.

Sorry to disappoint - but if I were pregnant you would have heard Miley screaming at me in every corner of the known galaxy since she doesn't want to be pregnant and we're always pregnant together. And to whoever said they wanted to read a pregnancy blog, don't be too sad, mine wouldn't be very interesting, the only difference is I get crabby easier and I'm super fat.

This week:

1. The book I was so excited to read was written by a dead guy.

2. I finished it.

3. I've been reading this series for about 5 years now.


Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

Post-it Notes Tuesday and Tuesday Train

JJ's Got a Big Ole Mouth

Like you hadn't figured that out already..

But my friend Christy over at My Mad Mind (AKA the blog formerly known as I'm Just Sayin') has a widget that tracks just how big my mouth is, and I got this award for it:



It may very well be the first time my loud mouth has gotten me something good.