The Most Powerful Thing on Earth

I'm sure someone else already posted this, but it's been cracking me up showing up all in the middle of my Hulu watchings, so I thought I would share.



Plus, I was thinking about y'all.

The Pathetic Whiny Sidekick

I told y'all that I've been watching "The Alexander Skarsgard Naked Show" ..

Well, today I finished Season 3 (the most recent season) and decided that I hate Tara.

She's the heroine's best friend. And at first I really liked her because she was sassy and spunky and even though she had a fucked up co-dependant relationship with her mom, she was still a good friend, and when drunk, fun to be around.

But then she got herself into an impossible situation and cried about it. And somehow, someone pulled her out of said impossible situation and she cried because they did.

And as soon as you think she's done watering the grass.. lather, rinse, repeat..

Yeah, I'm tired of Tara.

And then I thought..

Fuck, I'm the pathetic, whiny side-kick.

Here I am all spunky and sassy and fun when mixed with alcohol. But then you've got my co-dependant relationship with my mother and impossible situation after impossible situation and someone has to come pull Jenn's ass out of the fire again.

Fuck.

And now I'm thinking about it, and who's the hero??

Bean?? Miley?? Connie?? Hero??

No idea.

Anyrambling..

If I'm going to be the pathetic whiny side-kick who always fucks up and needs the hero to come in and save them because they're too stupid to realize that if they just never left the house (or maybe got a new best friend) that all the crazy ass shit would stop happening, can I at least be like Angel and get my own show eventually??

Save Sweet Baby Jesus

First, let me just say that this post is not a comment on anyone.

Having said that, I know I'm not the only one who gets these emails.

You know the ones, there's a beautiful or hilarious story and maybe some great pictures and you read it and it brings you to tears either because you're laughing so hard or because it's just that moving and then you get to the bottom and it says something like:

Forward this on to 3 people or you'll have bad luck for 50 years!!

I hate them!! I don't need anyone's help to have bad luck. Seriously.

And the ones that say something like this:

Only 1 in 100 people will forward this on because they are the ones not ashamed of Jesus. Are you 1 in 100??

They drive me up the fucking wall. Seriously?? I was planning on forwarding until I read that.

Did I miss the chapter in the Bible where Jesus guilts us into following him??

And I do forward some, but often I delete the bullshit at the end, so that those I send it to can just enjoy the flipping email.

Why am I getting these?? I'm 29 years old. I'm not in high school anymore.

Why are people even writing these?? Just so they can feel good that their creation made it around the world 52 times??

I don't get it.

So, I thought I'd try it to see if it gives me warm fuzzies (though somehow I don't think so):

If you don't comment, then you hate the sweet baby Jesus.

If you leave 3 comments then something good will happen.

If you leave 5 comments what you've been waiting for will occur.

If you leave 20 comments, you'll win the lottery.*



*And if you do leave 20 comments and you do win the lottery, you'd better pay off my house.

Super Groupie

Have I ever mentioned that I'm a Groupie??

I am.

At least as far as some of my favorite bloggers go. I feel like they're the amazing fantastical creatures who are so much cooler than I am and I get amazingly excited over the stupidest shit, like:

Did you know that Candance knows my name??

So imagine the Groupiegasm I had when I got an email from Aunt Crazy last month asking if me & Miley wanted to go to the Symphony with her.

Me?!?!

I mean I know that Miley's all kinds of cool, and everybody loves her.

But ME?!?!?!

Holy fuck. What does one wear when meeting a RAWKstar??

I have no fucking clue. But I wore a dress. Because Miley wanted me to wear a dress. And black stockings because I'm a Southern girl and we cover our legs in public.
And heels.

However, I forgot to take into account how much I've been slumming it at work for the last 6 months in my jeans and tennis shoes and occassionally flats.

Nine months ago I could have run to the Symphony in heels (or at least I could have just as well as in tennis shoes). And when I put the bitches on they felt fine.

And then we walked. And y'all, Miley is TALL. So she walks fast. I'm not. So even in flats sometimes its hard to keep up with her. Plus, I'm an asthmatic smoker. I'm slow.

We were way early so we sat outside and smoked and talked (or at least Miley & Aunt Crazy talked - I listened trying to pretend like I was just like the other cool kids) and I got to rest my screaming feet.

Then we went in.

Y'all, I almost busted my ass. I'm walking in behind Miley looking for our seats and shit, and I hit that ramp down into the chairs and almost went Jill on everybody.

Miley and Aunt Crazy weren't looking at me, so I did the only thing I could think of.

I took off my shoes. At the symphony.



I know.. I KNOW.. My grandmother would have killed me.




But the good news is, I don't think Aunt Crazy noticed.


Anyway. Good symphony. Aunt Crazy liked it and Miley & I took turns distracting each other..

Miley: Jenn.

Me: ??

Miley: The bass player is talking to his bass!!

Me: No, he's counting..


For the record, Miley was right. He was talking to his bass. I know because I was attempting to read his lips for the rest of the concert.

And later..

Me: Miley.

Miley: ??

Me: That second horn is really brassy don't you think??

Miley: ?????



What can I say, I'm not as amusing as Miley is..


Anyway. Good times were had by all. I fully intend to enthusiastically accept if I ever get another invitation from Aunt Crazy, and I may even prod Miley into inviting her out with us (because I am far too chicken shit to do it myself).

Enough of that Sappy Shit

Now that you got a post all sappy and heartfelt and shit, it's time to put away the tissues and get back to work.

Bean and I don't do New Years Resolutions. But, here's my list of things that would be fucking awesome to have happen in 2011.

• Win the lottery. Obviously.
  
• Take the kids to Colorado. Preferably with Bean.
  
• Keep Oliver from being bullied to badly at school.
  
• Potty train the damn rat dog bitch.
  
• Let the damn rat dog bitch have some puppies.
  
• Sell said puppies.
  
• Get decorations for my bathroom Christmas tree.
  
• Boycott Science Fair.
  
• Get a new damn job (or at least a new boss).
  
• Conquer the world (in Civilization).
  
• Get a computer that actually works.
  
• Get a laptop that noone else is allowed to touch, so that I have somewhere to put my porn collection.
  
• Pay off my brand new paper credit card.
  
• Buy Christmas/Birthday presents in advance.
  
• Have a fucking amazing not 30th birthday party.
  
• Educate Bean on which Holidays are important to me, and which ones I don't give a rat dogs ass about.
  
  But mostly, just try to enjoy life a little more.
  
  
  
  
  
  

God Grant Me..

After not blogging for over a month, you'd think that I would be bursting with things to say, but no..

For the last week I've been trying to think up a post, and I've got nothing. Maybe blogging is like studying, if you get out of the habit, its very hard to get back in..

But, since it's New Year's Eve, a year in review is in order (plus it means I don't have to be too creative).

In 2010:

• I got married to my soul mate (technically this was 2009, but it was December, so it counts for 2010).
  

• I discovered that doctors do not know everything.


• I became the not so proud owner of 2 rat dogs.

• I managed to keep my job.


• I've more or less come to terms with my sister being evil.


• I became an aunt, again.


• I lost my best friend.


• I found woman's best friend in the form of a floppy mess of a goldendoodle.

• I found some old friends I thought I had lost.


• I did not win the lottery on multiple occassions.


• I ripped up carpet for the first time.


• I learned to let go of my children, just a little.


• I became addicted to blogging.


• I did not kill any members of my family.


• I had "the talk" with Oliver, several times.


• I got my first credit card.


• I decorated my first cake.



• I went gambling for the first time.


• I stretched my non-craftiness to the absolute limit with scrapbooking and party planning.


• I've had to bend my beliefs and open my mind.
  
  But most of all, I've learned the importance of the serenity prayer.
  
  
  
  
  
  

Things I Learned When I Wasn't Blogging

I can't believe that its been almost a month since I posted anything.. I'm so sorry!!

It's been so crazy around here!!

I'm not fully back, because I still have a bunch of craziness to mess with, but I thought I would let y'all know I'm still alive, and post up a little randomness..

• Doctors are stupid.
• And just because Google says you should be prescribed a certain drug for whatever illness does not mean you actually will be.
• Pharmacies and Insurance Companies are stupider. They have a really hard time understanding that normal people don't have an extra $400 lying around to spend on medication.
• I still love Christmas, and now that all 7 of my trees are up (yes, 7 - though the way the kids count it, there's 10) I can't wait for next year when I get to buy new decorations.
• Having been married to Bean for a year is a little odd. It feels like yesterday, but it also feels like we've been married forever. I don't really know how to describe it, but I like it.
• Children are evil. They'll bully anyone that's different in any way, and when you add that fact in with Oliver's outstanding uniqueness, its a recipe for disaster.
• School administrators are morons. And unless a parent throws a very large hissy fit, they don't pay attention to anything.
• I'm pretty good at throwing hissy fits.
• My sister is a bitch. My mother is a pushover. Combine those two things and you get a family gathering being hosted by me on Monday, when I have to work both Monday and Tuesday.
• Tallulah needs a physical Christmas list so that she can't change her mind 55 times in the last two weeks leading up to Christmas. She also needs to note on said list exactly who she's telling she wants what. Especially when she's asking both Grandmas for $100 dolls.
• Oliver should never be allowed to browse for cool things online. Especially when he actually gets money. He could bankrupt himself in a very short amount of time.
• Cold weather makes Bean hurt. Alot.
• I hate working with women. They throw little fits over the stupidest shit and then post it on facebook for the world to see.

That about sums it up. I expect to be back a little next week, and then fully functional after Christmas.

Blog Fodder or A Million Lies and No Truth

I'm coming to realize that I bitch about my starter husband Perry a lot on here.

It's not really because I'm bitter, it's because I have to see him so damn much with him having the kids pretty much half of the time and having them at my house and all.

So I thought I'd explain that I really do have shit to bitch about..

• Perry doesn't shower. Or at least he only did about once a week when we were married (if I was lucky).
• He's a compulsive liar.
• Because he's a compulsive liar I don't know if my daughter is deathly allergic to shellfish and beestings or if he's pulling that shit out of his ass.
• And when I say compulsive liar I mean that for the first year of our marriage I thought he was an Army veteran.
• Turns out he flunked out of boot camp.
• He bullys Oliver.
• Mercilessly.
• His mother is insane.
• By insane I mean that she believes that the Air Force has a special contingent of planes that fly around her house looking out for her.
• And she calls CPS on people when she gets bored.
• He's irrationally obsessed with image and wealth (or at least the illusion of it).
• This combined with his only nodding aquaintance with the truth has some interesting results.
• As in he will tell people that whatever he has or was or did was so high class, when it really wasn't.
• It's actually really kind of funny to watch.
• I'm pretty sure he's in the closet.
• So is just about everyone else who's ever met him.
• He trashes our house everytime he's here. Which is Wednesday, Thursday and every other weekend.
• So I have to spend my time with the kids cleaning up his mess.
• He also randomly moves shit.
• Though I'm pretty sure he only does that to see if he can push me over the edge into certifiable insanity as opposed to mildly mad.
• He's rude to Bean.
• He doesn't have any clue how to help with homework or school projects, and doesn't remember to have the kids do either on his days.
• He pronounces "gay" "gee".

Now do you see??

There's just so much to bitch about, I can't help myself.

It's like he's got a sign on his back that says:

Blog Fodder

Fawk You Friday and Blogstalk Friday

It's Friday!! Finally. This week has dragged ass!!

And it's time to send out all of my big "Fuck You's"..

• Tedious reports that make my eyes hurt. And I'm a little concerned that you could use that description for 90% of my job, and yet if asked I would still say I liked it. What does that say about me??


• Phone that won't stay charged. You suck and not just the life out of the battery.


• Hotmail


• Fencing


• Control freak teacher at Oliver's school


• UPS - that package was supposed to be here a week earlier than it was. And I missed Bean's birthday because of you.
  

And on a totally not related note.

Today is Tallulah's 7th birthday!! Happy Birthday Princess.

I'm Too Random for My Blog

It's a random kind of day and its Wednesday so I guess it works out well.

• I hate Tuesdays.
• Mostly because Oliver has fencing.
• Which he loves.
• But I don't.
• In fact I loathe it.
• Purely because practice is at 7:00. So I get to go home, relax and then I have to go out again.
• This Tuesday I was particularly pissed.
• Because I had a shittastic day at work
• And because Glee is back and I couldn't watch it.
• Oliver got a notebook taken away from him at school.
• By a teacher
• Because it had a skull and crossbones on the front
• A very cartoony skull and crossbones.
• Mommy's not pleased.
• Tallulah got "caught being good" at school
• So she's a "wise owl" now.
• She's thrilled.
• Sometimes I really don't understand her.
• She's so very perfect
• And that's something I've never been accused of.
• I just finished listening to the entire "Wheel of Time" series on audiobook
• While working.
• Because the next book is due out in November.
• But now I'm bored.
• I'm thinking about doing it again
• But I'm scared the new book will come out before I'm done.

So Sorry..

I feel the need to apologize to you my bloggy friends.. I've been slacking big time, both on my writing and on my reading. But I'm working on it.. I promise!!

I'm Too Random For My Blog

Holy shit it's been all crazy!!

I have no coherent sentences for you, so I'm going to cheat and use bullets. Because I can, and I'm a secretary, so I love bullets.

• This migraine will not quit. I don't even know what day I'm on anymore.
• I'm not hallucinating yet, though, so that's good.
• I have found (completely by accident) that jack & vicodin are an excellent combination.
• But I'm not an addict.
• And now I have K's Choice in my head.
• Fuck.
• I broke my ex-husband's car.
• It was totally fun.
• It also wasn't my fault, in case you were wondering.
• I still kindof hate people.
• Especially certain people.
• I'm not telling you who.
• Bean I can control my inner monologue.
• It's almost time for my follow-up with Dr. No Personality.
• I may yell at him.
• He'll probably want to give me more drugs.
• But not the kind I need.
• Tallulah got moved out of her original class and put into the smart kid class.
• Because she's smart.
• Her original teacher was bummed.
• Because Tallulah's an angel for everyone who is not me.
• And also because I give great teacher bribes gifts.
• Oliver convinced me to buy him a fedora and some truly hideous fake glasses.
• Oddly enough they kind of work for him.
• He also brought home a fundraiser packet.
• Less than a week after the first day of school.
• I hate Fundraisers.
• With a fiery and intense passion.

Things I Don't Know..

I'm not an unintelligent person.

I mean, yeah, often I'm a little daft, or a whole lot naive, but I'm not stupid.

However, there are some things I don't know.

• What #whatever means on Twitter.
• What alot of stuff means on Twitter, really.
• How to use Twitter, what exactly am I supposed to post??
• Why people think that I'm such a bitch. I'm not, but when they think I am, it makes me want to be.
• How to train a dachshund without killing it.
• How to redo my blog layout.
• How to make a button.
• How to make a facebook badge.

I'm not sure that I'm necessarily looking for answers here, though if you have them, and want to share, go for it, I'm not complaining..

I'm just feeling very medicated recently and therefore more ditsy and crazy and exhausted than normal, if that's at all possible.

And really, this is about all my mind processes on most days - things I don't know..

I've Got a Theory

And it’s not bunnies.




Actually, I have several theories.




One is about my new bloggy friend, Just Me.


See, I started getting comments from Just Me, and she was super nice. I mean her comments were so sweet, and funny and well thought out. It was like she knew me!! And I think I even followed her back to her blog and thought:

This is such a great blog!! Why am I not following this blog?!?! It’s just like a blog I would follow!!
As soon as I get home and on my real computer, I’m totally going to follow my nice new bloggy friend!!

And then my brain farted.


But this week I was organizing my gmail and making little labels for all the people that need labels, and I was sad.

Because my old bloggy friend, Christy, stopped commenting on my blog.



Did I piss her off??


Am I not funny anymore??


Did I not comment on her blog enough??


What happened??




So the next morning I went to her blog.


And you know what?? Just Me hijacked Christy's blog!!


So I sent Just Me a message. And you know what?? They're the same person. Christy still loves me.


Yes, I was born blonde.





Another one of my theories is that Miss Nikki and I would be best friends if we ever really met in person.


Actually, I think that Miley shares this theory with me.


We love Miss Nikki. We think she is the bees knees.


I think that if she came to Texas I might have to gently break it to her that I’m not a lesbian. Because she would love me THAT much.



Ok, maybe not that much.




But she would definitely not be going back to whatever not Texas place it is that she lives in.



Booby would just have move his ass to Texas with her.



Oh, and I agree with her that Booby and Bean would be best buds. But it kind of disturbs me, because both of their blog pseudonyms kindof sound like baby comfort items.. and together they really do, so maybe not.





My last theory is that a South Texas Blogger Party would be fun.


I’m totally ganking this idea from Bluzdude. He had a Darwinfishfry and posted pictures and it looked like a blast.


So my theory is that if we had a South Texas Blogger Party (only good God, someone has to come up with a better name than that) it would be a riot, almost literally, since I'm pretty sure that all the Texas blogs I read are written by at least sorta insane loud women.. so there might have to be a bond collection and some designated bail posters.


Except that I’m a mousy, quiet, annoying thing in person. Miley, however, she’s exactly like she is on her blog.

Life With Bean

Bean was home this weekend, and I actually had my phone ready to record all the Beanisms that happen, so I thought I'd share..

• I was reading Lazy to Lady and he was looking over my shoulder and suddenly yells out, "Are you looking at AK 47s so you can kill me?!?! ". You really have to actually look at her blog to see how funny this is, but really, it's pink and black and very girly, no AK 47s present.
• He then started trying to further distract me from my blog reading by telling me how he has trouble pronouncing words when he reads them for the first time. You know like Yo se might and Peeneylope instead of Yosemite and Penelope.
• If you're married to Lorena Bobbit yosemite be careful or you might get your peneloped.
• Yes, he actually said that.
• He also asked if I was going to blog about this.
• And then he huffed and puffed about me making fun of him for awhile.
• Then he said, "It's a good thing you have me around or you wouldn't have anything to blog about."
• Because you know, he has 3 knees.

You Know How They Say..

You know how they say that the dog looks like the owner?? Yup. That's what we have here.

100 and Still Blogging

Wow.. 100 posts. That's crazy. Normally I have the attention span of two year old with a giant pixie stick. So having stuck with something this long and still be enthralled is a huge accomplishment for me.

I started this blog just after Bean and I got married and I finally had positive things to say.
I wanted to be able to let loose myself - the crazy person that I normally edit from my family who really thinks that normal is the only way to go.

Along the way you found out why I'm crazy.

You shared my work place troubles.

There were courtside seats to me and Bean's fights.

And bedside seats to some of my migraines.

You've laughed at my insecurities.

And you've heard about my television watching tastes.

I've ranted and I've been neurotic.

I've been hysterical and I've been sentimental.

And I'm having a blast.

Thanks guys, for reading and for commenting and for just being.

Getting to Know You

I'm not quite up to speed yet, and really, laying on my ass on the couch watching the second season of "Veronica Mars" doesn't make for interesting blogging, so I thought I'd do a "Getting to Know You" thing..

1. What time did you get up this morning? 9:30ish
2. Diamonds or pearls? If I have to pick?? Then pearls
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? the newest Shrek, I think.
4. What is your favorite TV show? House
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Coffee
6. What is your middle name? Christine
7. What food do you dislike? Hot dogs.
8. What is your favorite CD at moment? The Wicked soundtrack
9. What kind of car do you drive? PT Cruiser baby
10. Favorite sandwich? Turkey
11. What characteristic do you despise? conceit, especially when it's unwarranted.
12. Favorite item of clothing? Jeans
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? For me - England, for the family - Disneyworld
14. Favorite brand of clothing? umm?? American Eagle??
15. Where would you retire to? Somewhere close to my kids.
16. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball - it's the only one I really understand.
17. When is your birthday? June 12th
18. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night, definately.
19. What is your shoe size? 9
20. Pets? 1 dauschund, 1 goldendoodle, 1 cat, 1 turtle, 2 kids, 1 husband and a mother.
21. Any new and exciting news you 'd like to share? nothing that anyone other than Miss Nikki would care to hear.
22. What did you want to be when you were little? The President
23. How are you today? fanfreakintastic
24. What is your favorite candy? Reese's Pieces
25. What is your favorite flower? Either yellow roses or any flavor tulip
26. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Halloween
27. What are you listening to now? Random crashes coming from Tallulah's room
28. What was the last thing you ate? pizza
29. Do you wish on stars? absolutely
30. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? turquoise
31. How is the weather right now? Hot.
32. The first person you spoke to on the phone today: noone so far, but I texted Ophalia.
33. Favorite soft drink? Diet Coke.
34. Favorite restaurant? Pappasitos
35. Real hair color? dark brown
36. What was your favorite toy as a child? A little babydoll that I worked very hard to get. I named her Cecilie
37. Summer or winter? Texas winter
38. Hugs or kisses? If we're talking from Bean - kisses everyone else - hugs
39. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate all the way!!
40. Coffee or tea? In the morning, Coffee, the rest of the day, Tea.
41. When was the last time you cried? Last week, I was pissed!!
42. What is under your bed? There's no telling..
43. What did you do last night? Watched Season 2 of "Veronica Mars"
44. What are you afraid of ? ooh.. that's a really long list, that we don't have time for.
45. Salty or sweet? depends
46. How many keys on your key ring? alot
47. How many years at your current job? 3
48. Favorite day of the week? Thursday
49. How many towns have you lived in? 4
50. Do you make friends easily? Usually

I'm Baaaack!!

You didn't miss me at all did you??

I'll give you a real post later.. I just wanted to say I missed my blog and my bloggy friends so much!!

I'm Too Random for My Blog

We'll go ahead and make a theme this week - almost dying and my in-laws, here’s a couple of random bits involving them or almost dying:

This is an actual conversation between me and Bean while I was driving on the Big Ass Bridge on my way home from work one day.

Bean: Hello?

Me: THERE’S FOG!!

Bean: Ok??

Me: I CAN’T SEE!!

Bean: Did you turn on the windshield wipers?

Me: NO!!! BECAUSE THEY DON’T WORK!!!

Bean: Baby, turn on the windshield wipers.

Me: THEY DON’T WORK, AND I CAN’T SEE AND I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!

We weren’t married yet, and he lived closer to the office than I did, so I had to stop there and be hysterical for awhile, and of course his parents were there visiting. That’s when they realized that he and I were not exaggerating when we said I was crazy.

Also, Bean drove me to work almost every day after that, even though he bought me a new car with working windshield wipers the next week.





Bean's brother, Harley just got a new job, but then ended up in the hospital.

He's been there a week, and has been totally coherent the whole time, and has been going on and on about how worried he is about his job.

But he didn't call work to give them an update.

Finally Mom Bean had to stand over him while he called work - the boy is like 45 years old.