Letters of Intent

Dear Children,

I may have to kill your father. I'd like to tell you all about the reasons behind it, but I'm afraid you wouldn't really understand, and I also don't want to scar you for life, so you'll just have to wonder.

Regretfully,
Your Mother


Dear Self,

You look fabulous, simply fabulous. Those new jeans make your ass look amazing, and the cute tops give this insane illusion of boobs.
I promise.

So stop feeling self conscious.

Sincerly,
Your Self


Dear Niece,

What the hell is up with you anyway??

I support any decision you choose to make, but I have to know what the decision is before I can support it, and cryptic facebook messages are no substitution for actual information.

Confusedly,
Your Aunt

Letters of Intent and Follow Me Friday

Dear Fencing Instructors,
You can stop changing the day and time and location of Oliver's lessons anytime now.

Thank You,
Oliver's Mom




Dear Bean,
If we don't have any glasses in the kitchen, you should probably check the blackhole AKA your truck before asking anyone else.

Helpfully,
Your Loving Wife




Dear Co-Workers,
I am not your mother. And only one of you is putting out. So stop leaving nasty ass shit in the community refrigerator for me to clean up.

Sincerely,
Your Secretary



Dear Walgreens,
When I go to drop off a prescription at the drive-thru and you fail to provide me with something to put on top of it so that it doesn't fly away and then it does fly away, I am NOT in the mood to chase after it through the parking lot.

Irritably,
Your Customer



Dear Dr. No Personality,
I wouldn't have asked you to help me lose weight if I could lose it by myself. And while I may be a little vain, that doesn't make my reasoning irrational. If your entire family was overweight too, then you might be neurotic about your weight too.

Fattly,
Your Patient