Principal of the Year

So Oliver told me yesterday that if he gets commended on all portions of his TAKS test (don't get me started on how absurd TAKS is - it's a whole diatribe) that he will get to take a picture in his principal's corvette and he has a theory on that (I'm so proud!! He's all getting theories, just like Mommy!!):

Oliver: Most principals don't have corvettes, they have volkswagons.

Me: oh yeah?

Oliver: Yeah. But Mrs. P has a corvette!! I guess that's what happens when you're Principal of the year.

Me: You think?

Oliver: Yup. If you win then you get a corvette!!

Now I'm not saying that this theory shouldn't be true - but somehow I don't think it is.

No Reward Offered but PLEASE Give it Back!!!

I have been robbed.. I mean really. Well, let me rephrase that, I have looked everywhere in my moderately clean house and filthy car and cannot find my MP3 player anywhere. Below is a picture:

I'm convinced* that some horrible excuse for a human being (read Perry) stole it. He's always here right?? Taking his "visitation" with Oliver and Tallulah - he SO could have stolen it.. Plus he's so far in the closet it's unreal, so he could be secretly yearning for my freakin awesome pink MP3 player..


But it also could have been the one legged man**. I mean, maybe it was on top of the dryer when he came for his weekly visit. He could have taken it for his one legged wife - they can't possibly have much money, so she would not be able to buy a freakin awesome pink MP3 player!!


HAH!!


Bring back my freakin awesome pink MP3 player!! I'm not giving you a reward for being evil, but PLLEEAASSEEEE!! bring it back.***


And if not, I'm going sockless from now on. So there.




*I'm actually not convinced that it Perry or the one legged man. I'm pretty sure it was that same lazy sot who ate half of Bean's Moollenium Crunch at work.
**Bean tells me that you goofy Coloradoians don't know about the one legged man, so I'll explain. You know how you put 8 socks(4 pairs)in the wash, but when they come out of the dryer, there's only 4 (no pairs, all unmatched) there?? That's because the one legged man comes in and steals one out of each pair for him and his one legged family.
***If you're wondering why I'm flipping out so bad - I LOVE my MP3 player. And I put books on it so that I can be all sneaky & read at work.. So without it, I'm totally bookless for 8 freakin hours a day!! And if you know me at all, you know how devasting that is....

UnWrapped and Bill Nye the Food Guy or I’m so gonna write Food Network

We watch TV to go to sleep. Before we got married I had this (surprise) fairly insane habit of watching one DVD on repeat for a month (or three) and then switching it out. But Bean likes food network. And that’s cool, I like food.
But there’s this one guy that I hate, I mean I absolutely abhor him. He makes my teeth hurt.

I don’t know what his name is or what his show’s called. I call him Bill Nye the Food Guy. He needs to come on at three in the afternoon as an educational program, or at three in the morning when I’m asleep. But instead he comes on when I want to go to sleep no matter when it is.

He’s always explaining the science behind cooking.

WHO CARES?!?!

Thus the name. He bothers me.
But what bothers me more is that he’s always right before the show I really like going to sleep to – Unwrapped.
It’s perfect!! It’s entertaining enough that if I can’t sleep I can watch it, but it’s not manic so it doesn’t keep me from sleeping (like Iron Chef, which doesn’t bother me, but does keep me from sleeping). I love it!! Plus it’s got the Double Dare guy on it, so it makes me happy.

Bean thinks I’m funny for liking it so much.

Me: Where’s Unwrapped??

Bean: It’s not on.

Me: Why not?!?!

Bean: Because it doesn’t come on tonight.

Me: Why not?!?!

Bean: Because it just doesn’t, it comes on tomorrow.

Me: Well, what’s on??

Bean: Iron Chef.

Me: But that’s not Unwrapped.

Bean: No.

Me: Why not?!?!

Bean: Because it’s Iron Chef.

Me: I’m going to write a letter to Food Network.

Bean: Saying what?

Me: That they need to put Unwrapped on every night from 9:00 – 2:00.

Bean: And what reason are you going to give them?

Me: So I can go to sleep to it. Obviously.

Bean: I’m not sure they’re going to go for that, Honey.

Me: Why not?!?!

Bean: Because they just won’t.

Me: But they have to.

Bean: They don’t really just move shows for one person.

Me: Why not?!?

Bean: Because.

Me: But their schedule doesn’t work for me it’s wonky!!

Bean: I know.

Me: I NEED them to move it!!

Bean: But they won’t.

Me: Why not?!?!

Bean: They need better reasons than that. Like ratings, and money.

Me: But Unwrapped is awesome!!

Bean: I know Baby, but it doesn’t really work that way.

Me: AND!! I need my sleep!! HAH!!

Bean: .....

Me: OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Maybe I can tell them to move Bill Nye the food guy to 4:00 AM while I’m at so I NEVER have to see him again!!!!!!!!!!!

Bean: Look honey, there he is on Iron Chef.

Me: Grrrrrrrr..

What I've Been Doing and Dodger Poo

While I have not been blogging I have been drugged. Or not. But when I was not drugged I really wished I was.


That migraine that started last Sunday, as in March 21st, is still going on and none of the drugs in my considerable arsenal have stopped it for more than four hours. Some of them put me to sleep though, so that's really nice.


Bean refuses to let me slam my head in a door, he says that I might hurt the door. I think he's being horribly unfair. Surely we have some door in the house that we don't need??


If you'd like to volunteer to cut my head off please leave a comment with your availability.


On a more bizarre note, my sense of smell has gotten amazingly acute in the last week. No idea whether that has anything to do with the migraine or not, but I keep smelling Dodger poo where there is none. Go figure.

Happy Birthday Miley

Today is my friend Miley's birthday. It's been a nightmare of a year for her and I'm not telling you why because it's none of your business.


Nosy.


Anyway.
Today is her 30th birthday and I just wanted to say Happy Birthday.


And also, thank you.
For 16 years or so of putting up with crazy ole me.

Secret Shelter Basement/Swimming Pool/Attic

This whole healthcare bill thing. I don’t get it. It scares me. Because all the really rightwing people are calling it the end of Democracy. And all the really leftwing people are calling it the salvation of the nation.

Bean & I are moderate. Bean’s the right side of moderate (a little more right than moderate, but still moderate), I’m the left side.

But I wasn’t paying attention when all of this was going down, I was busy with kids and work, and house and church and dog and Mom. So I have no idea what’s going on.
So I’m panicking. I want to build a shelter. I want to stock up on canned goods. I want to buy gold bars and bottled water. I’m a nester and a do-er. I don’t feel safe unless something is done.

So I’ve come up with a plan:

We’re having a garage sale soon, so I’ll be able to clean out the garage really well. And then I’ll be able to set aside a place in the garage for all of our canned goods and bottled water and extra clothes and stuff. We can’t have any gold bars yet, because I don’t know where to put them – obviously they can’t go in the house.

I talked to Bean about a shelter the other day..

Me: I want to you to build us a secret shelter basement.

Bean: We live in southeast Texas.

Me: So??

Bean: We can’t have a basement.

Me: Why not??

Bean: Because it will fill up with water.

Me: Why??

Bean: Because we live too close to sea level.

Me: What does that have to do with anything?? I want a secret shelter basement.

Bean: Honey. Have you noticed that no one here has basements??

Me: Yes. That’s why it will be so fantastic. No one will expect us to have one!!

Bean: We can have a secret underground swimming pool.

Me: Nevermind.

Bean: That’s what I thought.

So that’s a no on the secret shelter basement.. Maybe a secret shelter attic??

I have absolutely no idea what good any of this will do with the Healthcare Bill, but it makes me feel better, and that’s the point, right??

OOOOHHHH The Pain!!!!

Normally my migraines are pretty well controlled. And by that I mean that I only have a slam-my-head-in-the-door-to-stop-this, do-you-really-want-to-ask-me-that-question, leave-me-alone-before-I-kill-you-or-vomit-or-both kind of migraine about twice a month. I have headaches just about every day, but those are fine, completely ignorable and I only have to actually take something three times a week on a bad week.

So maybe to you that doesn’t sound very controlled, but since it’s down from please-chop-my-head-off-because-it-would-be-better-than-dealing-with-one-more-minute-of-this-pain every afternoon, I’m good.

My biggest issue is that they don’t just last for an hour (or four). They last for days. I had one that lasted for three weeks.

This one is pretty massive and we’re on day three. It’s driving me batty because it’s a visual nightmare.

And of course, Jenn can’t have normal auras. I have to have nutty visual crap. I have to have acid trips without the acid. I feel all tiny and crazy.. It’s not really explainable.

Bean was at work when it started on Sunday, I was not pleased that he wasn’t home to be sympathetic. He wasn’t pleased that he wasn’t home because he was at work (plus he does miss me when he’s gone, I mean I am REALLY adorable):

Me: I’m having an acid trippy night and you’re not here.

Bean: Sorry.

Me: I’m all small.

Bean: I could put you in the pocket of my ugly sweater and carry you around.

Me: You could.

Bean: You could ride Dodger* like Falcor!**

Me: I could.

Bean: Or you could go to sleep and I’ll see you in the morning. ***

*Dodger is our dachshund, who weighs all of 5 lbs.
**Falcor is the luck dragon from “The Neverending Story” who looks kindof like a longhaired dachshund, at least to us.
***There was some really gushy stuff in that last line, but you don’t get to see that part, it’s all mine, just like Bean.


Update: I just thought I would tell you that I have a new fun symptom that I have never experienced. Ever.
There’s a cat in my office. Only there’s not. And I didn’t even take any drugs today.