JJ's Drunken Blogging aka Why I Hate My Ex-Husband and Want to Kick Him in His Nonexistent Nut-sack

First of all, I have to tell you that Bean is asleep and therefore cannot stop me from drunken blogging. Connie is awake, but she doesn't give a rat's ass what I'm doing, so we're all good.

Oliver had a Halloween party tonight.

My sorry ass is still a week behind because of Bean being in the hospital, so I didn't get him the invitations until seriously late - like yesterday. And he only invited like 5 people.

I invited Connie and Miley and Ophalia and Dirty - basically all of me and Bean's friends that have kids.

Connie, Miley and Ophalia came. Dirty did not. He's Bean's friend, the girls are mine. My friends rawk.

Anyway.

Oliver did invite one school friend vocally a week ago, and he really likes him, so I called his mother and confirmed. So he had one school friend there.

He didn't really care that there was only one.. He had his 3 best buds in the same party - Connie's boy, the Beave and School Boy.

So we had this Halloween party.

I made pigs in blankets wrapped all mummy-like and chicken fingers that looked a little (if you squint and turn your head just right) like actual fingers. And a big ass cupcake (because I wanted to). ANd punches, both kid punch and very adult punch.

And I decked out the house.

And I bought favors and a shit-load of candy.

Perry made bad brownies and cookies. He bought fruit snacks and craft supplies and 2 bags of cheap off-brand candy.

Alien (Oliver's biological father) made a creepy maze and bought us a fog machine and strobe light for said maze.

So this party was set up to be the party of the fucking year.

Enter Perry.

Oliver ran into the garage while running the maze and went to Perry, because he hurt himself. And Perry says:

If you're going to run into things then maybe you shouldn't do the maze at all

Y'all, Oliver is a little clumsy. And a lot emotional.

So when he trips over shit he wants a parent to coddle him.

I realize that he's almost 11, but really is too much to look at the injury and give him a fucking hug??

I found Oliver hysterical in the house, where he told me:

I thought this was going to be a fun Halloween party, but Daddy's here and he's ruining it.

He wouldn't have said that to Tallulah.

It's hard to ignore what he says when he's been my dad for 7 years.

I bet he never even liked me.

Normally, I'm pretty diplomatic and I try to just deflect not actively jump in, but Oliver was hysterical and this was a party he's been looking forward to for a year, and I had been drinking the grown-up punch for about 3 hours.

So I pulled Perry into my room (the only kid-free room) and told him that if he couldn't say something nice to my son to not say anything at all.

And you have no idea the level of self control it took to not kick him the fuck out of my house.

Little Miss Perfect

Tallulah is doing The March of Dimes reading thing.
I tried to avoid it by throwing away her envelope.

Because they had pictures the 2nd week of school.
And on the 3rd week, Oliver had a fundraiser.
And on the 4th week, Oliver had pictures.
And on the 5th week, Oliver had a book fair.
And now Tallulah has The March of Dimes.
And Oliver has a Band fundraiser.
And next week is her book fair.
And that weekend is the school “Family Fun Day”.

And Dad has yet to offer any monetary contributions to all of this.
Therefore I’m broke.

So I threw the envelope away.

And Tallulah went to school the next day, told her teacher she had lost the envelope and got a new one.

Then she came home and read 5 books.

And last night, she read 13 more.
And tonight she’s planning on at least 2 more (but that’s only if she can’t find more than that).

Who is this child??

How did I end up with this overachieving perfectionist??

I may be a little anal now that I'm an adult, but that’s mostly because I’m lazy.

I don’t want to have to look for shit. So I want it left where I can find it easily.

And I don’t want to have to iron, so I want the clothes put away just so.

And I hate having to spray for ants and roaches, so I want the damn dishes done and the counters wiped down.

But its only because I’m lazy, and the alternative to doing things my way is more work. And I hate more work.

So how did my daughter turn out to be overeager??

But she’s been this way since birth.

When she was 18 months old she used to line up her Scooby Doo figures and put all the Daphnes together, and all the Freds together and the Velmas and the Shaggys and the Scoobys. All in one perfectly straight little line.

I don’t get it. It baffles me.
I also love it.

Because life will be so much easier for her.

She won’t have to work super hard to make sure that she remembers the due dates for things so that she can be sure and do it the night before.
Everything will be completed and tidy 2 days after it was assigned.

And she won’t have to worry about people randomly showing up at her house and seeing it messy.
Because it will never be messy.

And she won’t have to feel self-conscious about how she looks.
Because her hair is always fixed and her clothes always match.

I’m happy for her.

But I don’t get her.

2 Truths and a Lie

Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
3.Link up
4.Reveal your lie the next week!

Last week I said:

1. Marlene is the craftiest person I don't actually know.

True. I don't actually know Marlene and she is super crafty. If you go check out her site, you'll see that she makes these uber cute cards, and I don't even know what I'd use them for, but I want all of them.

2. I almost never understand Marlene's "Word of the Day".

Lie. I actually usually do understand them most of the time. I realize that I usually blog in little, easy words (I talk that way too) but I'm the girl who's five year old self asked her father why he'd chosen her name and got this answer:

Because I was looking for a polysyllabic name with multiple derivatives

And I understood exactly what he meant because that's just how the show-off talked. All the time.

3. Marlene comments on my blog all the time even though I never have any intelligent comments to leave on hers.

Very, very true. Marlene always checks me out and leaves fun comments (especially on Thursdays) but all I ever have to say on her posts is:

Too cute!!

Or something else that means exactly the same thing.

Because I am absolutely not crafty.

This Week:

1. My cousin is having a baby girl in January.

2. My very good friend Cara had a baby boy in September.

3. I am having a baby in May.

Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

Mean, Cruel and Heartless

Oliver brought home his conduct sheet the other day. There were 2 C’s, 1 B and 1 blank space, and I have no idea what that means.

B’s are pretty normal for him. He just can’t manage to be quiet. Or sit still. Or follow directions. And most teachers recognize that and don’t give him a whole lot of crap for it. So he gets B’s.

But C’s?? That’s a slippery slope. Pretty soon the C’s turn into D’s and the D’s turn into F’s.

And I hate to punish him for talking conduct marks. Mostly because I’ve come to realize over the last 6 years that he just can’t help it, he has a big mouth. But also because if I did then the boy would be grounded every day.
So I normally let those slide.

This time I had to crack the whip.

We talked and I told him that if they weren’t pulled up into B’s by next week that his weekend plans would be in jeopardy.

Because I’m mean.

That was the same night that he didn’t get to go to fencing because he hadn’t finished his homework in time.

Because I’m cruel.

And then, the next morning he called me at work moderately hysterical because the dogs had eaten his conduct sheet.

I laughed.

Because I’m heartless.

The Super Frightful Ever Spooky Pants-Less Dementor

Oliver adores Halloween. He always has.

His favorite show when he was 2 was Scooby Doo – and his very first crush was Daphne. And I let him watch it because he adored it.

Everyone told me that it would cause him to have nightmares, but really, what child doesn’t have some nightmares, and he loved the idea of the boogey man.

Granted, I did have to sweep the room before bed to check and make sure the boogey man had gone home for the night, but really, nothing unmanageable.

Anyway, not the point (which I am getting to, I promise..

Because Oliver loves Halloween so much, he’s convinced his sister that it is the best holiday ever, and since she would really like to be able to follow him around like a puppy dog (and occasionally does, literally), it wasn’t very hard.

So every year we’ve built upon our Halloween decorations.

3 years ago we got this frightful tree thing. I’m not really sure if it’s supposed to be a wicked witch or a tree monster, but I like it. And it cackles whenever someone walks by (or when the sun sets, or the wind blows, or all the time really.. and it took Bean almost 2 weeks to find the source of the cackling after I put it up..).

2 years ago we started the graveyard in the front. Now we have about 12 tombstones, and yes, they fall down all the time, but I love the fact that they look better when my grass isn’t mowed, so I get to be lazy creative.

Last year we got these bone wind chimes that shake whenever they hear a sound - or at least they do when the batteries are good.

And inside we have spider web curtains and table cloths, and pumpkin candle holders and a spooky candle tree for the mantle.

I love it.

Our new additions this year were some cauldrons (hanging from chains above my bar so that Bean can hit his head on them every morning while making me coffee) and Oliver’s favorite:

I’m really not sure what it is. Maybe the Grim Reaper?? Maybe a Zombie. Maybe just a spooky skull guy in a black cloak..

No idea.

But he’s hovering in our front window ready to scare the shit out of you whenever you walk up and belatedly notice him. (or when you get up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and see him out of the corner of your eye when your husband is working and you’re home alone with the children..)

Anyway.

We have fun at Halloween.

This year there’s a Harry Potter theme (which we've done before, only Oliver was a super cute Harry Potter and Tallulah was Hedwig - seriously, it was the cutest thing ever!!).

Tallulah is going as Hermione.
Oliver is going as a dementor.
I am going as Professor McGonagall.
Bean has to work.

Last weekend the kids tried on their costumes.

Tallulah looked very sweet in her get up.

Oliver looked hilarious.

For starters, the mask is too big.

Second, the cloak is too short.

And third, the ghoulish dementor hands that he had to have?? Those he can’t get on without an assload of pulling and straining on my part.

So I told him he’d have to wear black pants with it.

His response??

Or no pants.

I was howling.

I don’t know if you guys have read Harry Potter, but a dementor does not have pasty pale, scrawny little legs.
And that’s not even mentioning that parts of the cloak come up to his crotch.

Perry has them on Halloween. Since he refused to trade with me.

So he can have fun taking Hermione and the Pants-less Dementor out Trick-or-Treating.

Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?!?!

I DO!!!!!

I'm sure you've noticed my new look.. I love it more than my favorite vibrator dildo marital aid.


The fucking fantabulous Drama Mama, Stephanie over at The Scoop on Poop did this for me.

Don’t you love it?!?!

I do.

And if you look over there on my right sidebar you'll see my super cute new button. You should grab it, because it’s freaking awesome.



If you want your very own super cool new layout, go here. She’s awesome and I love her and she may be my new best friend (sorry Miley).

Fanfuckingtastic Friday

Boobies has this absolutely amazing little meme on Fridays..

It's an open invitation to give a big ole' fawk you out to whomever you'd like. (Except I don't fawk, I fuck.. If I don't watch my language for my kids, I'm not watching it for you, sorry.)

I alluded to this on Tuesday with my Post-Its, but I thought I’d elaborate for y’all.
One of my fabulous co-workers left a note lying around.
It was found, and it said this:

"Cutting Costs:
Diversify/Combine postions
Do away with Sec position”

That’s me.

I was going to just let it go, but my VP, Anal Boss, came in the office on Tuesday and I started freaking the fuck out.

Fanfuckingtastic!! He’s here to fire me!!

All day long.

I couldn’t handle it, so I asked him.

He said my job wasn’t in danger.

Awesome.

But who wrote the note??

I have no idea.

I have suspicions.

Mostly centering around the 3 guys in the office who know what the word “diversify” means. And since one of those is my husband, that just makes 2.

So fuck you whoever wrote that note.


And I'm still not clear on the whole thing, but somehow Christy has something to do with Fawk You Fridays and I love her.