The Pathetic Whiny Sidekick

I told y'all that I've been watching "The Alexander Skarsgard Naked Show" ..

Well, today I finished Season 3 (the most recent season) and decided that I hate Tara.

She's the heroine's best friend. And at first I really liked her because she was sassy and spunky and even though she had a fucked up co-dependant relationship with her mom, she was still a good friend, and when drunk, fun to be around.

But then she got herself into an impossible situation and cried about it. And somehow, someone pulled her out of said impossible situation and she cried because they did.

And as soon as you think she's done watering the grass.. lather, rinse, repeat..

Yeah, I'm tired of Tara.

And then I thought..

Fuck, I'm the pathetic, whiny side-kick.

Here I am all spunky and sassy and fun when mixed with alcohol. But then you've got my co-dependant relationship with my mother and impossible situation after impossible situation and someone has to come pull Jenn's ass out of the fire again.

Fuck.

And now I'm thinking about it, and who's the hero??

Bean?? Miley?? Connie?? Hero??

No idea.

Anyrambling..

If I'm going to be the pathetic whiny side-kick who always fucks up and needs the hero to come in and save them because they're too stupid to realize that if they just never left the house (or maybe got a new best friend) that all the crazy ass shit would stop happening, can I at least be like Angel and get my own show eventually??

Girly Lessons

Oliver is a very high maintenance child. He requires huge amounts of my energy and almost daily he needs alone time with Mom to help him chill from a meltdown.

Tallulah is completely different species. She asks me very politely if she can stay up five minutes past bedtime so she can clean her room. She brought home a report card with all 100's on it (I didn't even know that was possible). She does her chores, takes a shower, feeds her dog and kisses her teacher's ass with very little prodding from me.

So most of the time she doesn't get these private talks with me that Oliver gets.

And she gets jealous.

To combat this, I decided to start her womanly education a little early. Because what the fuck else am I going to talk to her about that Oliver doesn't get to hear??

We started with clothes.

I went to some random ass website (maybe it was glamour) that had pictures of people wearing both cute things and things that their Mama should have never let them out of the house in. And we went through all the pictures and talked about them.

And seriously, I love my daughter.

All of the mini-skirts & short shorts - "They shouldn't show their legs so much."

Bikinis - "They look like underwear."

Bra straps hanging out - "That's trashy."

The only thing that she had any trouble with was why it's okay with me for a 25 year old who wears a size 2 to wear a bikini, but I think a 45 year old who wears a size 26 in a bikini looks like a beached whale. But we're working on it. And I tried really hard to explain to her that the big girls are very pretty, but they can't wear the same clothes as the little girls.

That was Friday.

On Sunday I taught both of the kids "Baby Got Back".

Fuck Prince Charming, I Want Dracula

I have been on the vampire bandwagon long before "Twilight" happened.

I read Anne Rice and even liked the original "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" (which was pretty horrible).
So I'm not ashamed (much) to admit that I do like "Twilight". Yes, Bella is annoying as fuck, but the vampires are hot (even if they do look 17, so it's a little creepy to think that if you're not) and as far as teen angsty books go, its not bad. And the movies are not too horrible (at least if you're able to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing).

Up until this weekend "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" (tv series, not movie) was my absolute favorite.

What can possibly be more hilarious than a show that is completely ridiculous and knows it?? There's even a musical episode that makes me laugh every time I see it, and I have the words memorized - all of them.

And then I found "True Blood".

I'm actually still on the fence about the campy factor.

None of the vampires use contractions, and that is one of the most distracting ways of speaking I've ever heard. And the way they do it is worse than Data from "Star Trek", probably because I haven't figured out if the lack of contractions is supposed to signify how old they are or if it's because they're old southern vampires.. (which of course makes no fucking sense, because everyone knows southerners make up their own damn contractions).

And holy fuck.. I thought Bella was a damsel in distress addict. She has absolutely nothing on Sookie. That girl needs an intervention, and then drugs, and meetings, and possibly a padded cell not to mention a good healthy dose of self-esteem and a karate class.

But



The vampires are hot. I mean really hot. I would totally be a fangbanger if they all looked like Alexander Skarsgard (that is, if vampires were real and everything).

So, yes, I'm addicted. And have found my future ex-husband. And though Bean hasn't actually seen the show yet, I think he won't mind, because he's secure enough in his manhood to admit that is one beautiful man.

We may have gotten HBO for "A Game of Thrones", but I will be setting my DVR to record "The Alexander Skarsgard Naked Show".