Friday, December 31, 2010

God Grant Me..

After not blogging for over a month, you'd think that I would be bursting with things to say, but no..

For the last week I've been trying to think up a post, and I've got nothing. Maybe blogging is like studying, if you get out of the habit, its very hard to get back in..

But, since it's New Year's Eve, a year in review is in order (plus it means I don't have to be too creative).

In 2010:

  • I got married to my soul mate (technically this was 2009, but it was December, so it counts for 2010).

  • I discovered that doctors do not know everything.

  • I became the not so proud owner of 2 rat dogs.

  • I managed to keep my job.

  • I've more or less come to terms with my sister being evil.

  • I became an aunt, again.

  • I lost my best friend.

  • I found woman's best friend in the form of a floppy mess of a goldendoodle.

  • I found some old friends I thought I had lost.

  • I did not win the lottery on multiple occassions.

  • I ripped up carpet for the first time.

  • I learned to let go of my children, just a little.

  • I became addicted to blogging.

  • I did not kill any members of my family.

  • I had "the talk" with Oliver, several times.

  • I got my first credit card.

  • I decorated my first cake.

  • I went gambling for the first time.

  • I stretched my non-craftiness to the absolute limit with scrapbooking and party planning.

  • I've had to bend my beliefs and open my mind.

    But most of all, I've learned the importance of the serenity prayer.

                Saturday, December 18, 2010

                Things I Learned When I Wasn't Blogging

                I can't believe that its been almost a month since I posted anything.. I'm so sorry!!

                It's been so crazy around here!!

                I'm not fully back, because I still have a bunch of craziness to mess with, but I thought I would let y'all know I'm still alive, and post up a little randomness..

                • Doctors are stupid.
                • And just because Google says you should be prescribed a certain drug for whatever illness does not mean you actually will be.
                • Pharmacies and Insurance Companies are stupider. They have a really hard time understanding that normal people don't have an extra $400 lying around to spend on medication.
                • I still love Christmas, and now that all 7 of my trees are up (yes, 7 - though the way the kids count it, there's 10) I can't wait for next year when I get to buy new decorations.
                • Having been married to Bean for a year is a little odd. It feels like yesterday, but it also feels like we've been married forever. I don't really know how to describe it, but I like it.
                • Children are evil. They'll bully anyone that's different in any way, and when you add that fact in with Oliver's outstanding uniqueness, its a recipe for disaster.
                • School administrators are morons. And unless a parent throws a very large hissy fit, they don't pay attention to anything.
                • I'm pretty good at throwing hissy fits.
                • My sister is a bitch. My mother is a pushover. Combine those two things and you get a family gathering being hosted by me on Monday, when I have to work both Monday and Tuesday.
                • Tallulah needs a physical Christmas list so that she can't change her mind 55 times in the last two weeks leading up to Christmas. She also needs to note on said list exactly who she's telling she wants what. Especially when she's asking both Grandmas for $100 dolls.
                • Oliver should never be allowed to browse for cool things online. Especially when he actually gets money. He could bankrupt himself in a very short amount of time.
                • Cold weather makes Bean hurt. Alot.
                • I hate working with women. They throw little fits over the stupidest shit and then post it on facebook for the world to see.

                That about sums it up. I expect to be back a little next week, and then fully functional after Christmas.

                Saturday, November 20, 2010


                To wrap up my Girly week, I thought I'd go into Manspeak.

                For all you guys, I just want to say that I am not claiming to be fluent in Manspeak. It's more that I understand the gist of any given situation - after all, noone but a man can truly speak Manspeak. But I speak Manspeak kind of like how well you speak German after taking it throughout high school.

                The guys at work appreciate that I know some Manspeak. Because for them it translates into if I wear a low-cut top I will not get offended if they look at my boobs. They're men, if it's on display they will look. And I kindof figure that if I didn't want them to look, I shouldn't have worn that top.

                My girlfriends for the most part like that I can translate for them, for instance -

                You slept with him on the first date?? Nope, sorry hon, the best you're going to get is fuck buddy.

                Bean loves that I understand his Manspeak. Because for him, it means that as long as he's not drooling over the gorgeous 22 year old blonde that just walked by, I don't really care if he looks. My only request is that if he's going to be obvious enough for me to notice then she better be smokin.

                And Oliver is beginning to learn of my Manspeak abilities.

                Mom, can you take Tallulah over there??

                Translation: There's a hot girl coming and I don't want her to see me hugging my mom and holding her hand.

                Mom, I'm going to air dry after my shower, so can you knock before coming in?

                Translation: I'm going to play with myself for awhile. Can you guard my door from Tallulah??

                But mostly I really hope that in years to come Tallulah appreciates my knowledge.

                So that maybe when I tell her dressing like a whore will make boys treat her like a whore, she will listen.

                Friday, November 19, 2010

                Counting Sheep

                Boobies and Christy have this fabulous meme on Fridays..

                BWS tips button

                I love it.

                And all you have to do is give everyone and everything that pissed you off this week the big ole finger.

                Easy huh??

                I didn't play last week because I had such an awesome week that I didn't want to jinx it. This week is a little different.

                Fuck you fence that fell on my foot. It hurts like a bitch and I can't wear heels.

                Fuck you Alien. It's your fault that I had to use powertools in the first place.

                Fuck you Dr. Sleep. I'm not depressed and I don't care if your stupid fucking sleep study showed nothing.. I'm tired!! Fix it.

                Thursday, November 18, 2010

                2 Truths and a Lie

                BWS tips button

                Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
                1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
                2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
                3.Link up
                4.Reveal your lie the next week!

                Last week I broke the rules, and we played 2 Lies and a Truth.

                I got a new piercing last weekend. It was:

                1. My eyebrow.

                2. My nose.

                3. The cartiledge on my left ear.

                AHA!! Not a single person got it right. Not even Miley. I feel so accomplished.

                It was my nose. It's really cute. And Bean loves it!!

                This week we'll go back to 2 Truths and a Lie..

                It got cold last weekend and that makes me think of Christmas and holidays.. So we'll go with that.

                1. I love having a fire when it's cold, but I don't know how to light one.

                2. I had 4 Christmas trees last year and plan on having 7 this year and would like to have 9 in 2011.

                3. I spend around $500 on each of my children for Christmas every year.

                Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

                And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

                Wednesday, November 17, 2010

                Things I Do

                Since I made you guys all think I'm an idiot yesterday, I thought today I'd try to redeem myself.

                Here are some things that I do that maybe aren't girly girl things.

                I pay bills. Bean has no idea how much we make or spend or anything. Neither does Mom.

                I move furniture. Often. As in whenever I get bored. Which is often. And if there's someone around to help, great. If not, oh well.

                I paint. I like to paint walls.

                I train my dog. (no, this isn't something I really consider manly, but I do consider my 60 lb dog much manlier than Bean's 8 lb rat dog)

                I make good steak.

                I put furniture together.

                I like to drive and make a terrible passenger.

                See. I'm not completely incompetent.

                Mostly I'm just about doing what needs to be done. And if noone else will/can do it, then I will. But alot of times I do something and realize that I suck at it. So while I know how it's done, and will do it again if necessary, I will never choose to do it.

                Other things (like painting) I did once when I had noone to help me and realized that I do it faster and better than the ones I was calling to help me. So I stopped calling for help.

                Tuesday, November 16, 2010

                Things I Don't Do

                This week I'm exploring my girliness, so I thought I'd make a list of all the things I don't do that maybe people think I should to be a self-sufficient person (because I'm anal meticulous like that).

                I don't do cars. As in check oil or fluid or change tires.

                I don't do taping - like around the edges when I paint.

                I don't do yard work. At least not if I can help it.

                I don't do grilling.

                I don't fix things - like leaky pipes or clogged toilets or broken lights.

                And I realize that some of you are reading this thinking "what a lightweight!!" or something similar, but let me explain..

                I have 13 male cousins who all live in the greater Houston area and I only share them with 2 other girls (Amara doesn't count because she lives in Austin).

                I have 4 Uncles.

                Many guy friends.

                Several incredibly capable girlfriends.

                Perry - who likes to prove his manliness by doing shit around my house.

                Alien - who is actually relatively handy.

                Pa - who is a carpenter.

                And Bean, who will do just about anything I ask him to.

                So why the hell would I ever need to learn these things??

                Yes, I realize that taping is ridiculously easy, but for some reason I do a craptastic job and everything I tape looks like shit. Plus it takes me years to tape a wall. So yeah, I could do it. Or - I could call Perry who does a much better job than I do in a quarter of the time.

                Do you understand now??

                It's not about being the helpless girl. Its about understanding my limits.

                I know that I wouldn't do these things well, and I have many people around me who can do them better and faster and without breaking something - like their foot - so I leave these things to the experts, who almost all just happen to be men.

                Monday, November 15, 2010

                JJ Plays with Powertools

                I mentioned yesterday that I played with powertools this weekend. It was great fun.

                See, Alien put this maze up for Oliver's Halloween party. And it consisted of 4 foot fence posts and black tarp running around the back patio.

                Well the tarp came down November 1st. But in order to take the fence apart, you needed powertools.

                A drill to be more specific.

                But I figured Alien would get around to it in a week or so, so I didn't worry.

                And then he didn't.

                And Bean wasn't feeling great, so he didn't.

                And Perry never does anything without being directly asked.

                So for almost 2 weeks, I haven't been able to use my back gate or patio.

                Saturday I got tired of it.

                I called Perry and asked him if he would put the screwdriver thingy on the end of the drill for me when he came over to pick up Oliver's stuff (because I had no idea how to do that part). He did.

                And off to take apart the fence I went.

                At first I just did the part blocking the back gate, since it was really the pain in the ass, because our driveway goes to the back gate, not the front door, and I have a hard enough time getting Mom to pull all the way up in the driveway when the gate is unblocked, let alone when it's blocked.

                Then I waited, because Bean was sleeping for work Saturday night.

                When 3:00 rolled around and Bean left for work, I went out to finish the job.

                I got all of it taken apart and set to the side and was working on the very last piece when the screw came out a little more quickly than I was expecting and the whole 6 foot section of fence fell on my right foot.

                And it hurt like a sonnofabitch.

                And I'm not positive that I didn't break something, since it's swollen and a little black around the edges.

                Do you see why I don't play with powertools??

                It's not because I'm not capable. It's because there is always someone else who can do it better and faster than me and without a fence falling on their foot.

                Sunday, November 14, 2010

                Girly Girl

                Last weekend made me think alot.

                Because I had to take down Oliver's maze from Halloween and I had to use a powertool which I'd never done before..

                I kindof pride myself on not being a "Girly Girl".

                I mean I am, I love clothes and shoes and jewelery. I don't enjoy anything remotely outdoorsy and I don't use alot of tools.

                But while I do get weepy and emotional every once in awhile, I fully recognize that they are ridiculous feelings and don't usually hold men responsible when they piss me off then.

                Also I have no problems with the ways guys think:

                If there is boob on display, I will look.

                If you let me fuck you on the first date, we will not be serious.

                I've had entirely too many guy friends for this not to make sense to me.

                So does that make me a girly girl?? I don't know.

                But this week, I'm going to find out.

                Thursday, November 11, 2010

                2 Lies and A Truth

                BWS tips button

                Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
                1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
                2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
                3.Link up
                4.Reveal your lie the next week!

                Last week I said:

                1. The book I was so excited to read was written by a dead guy.
                Mostly true. The series and the idea for the book and all of it's characters and general plot outline belong to a dead guy, Robert Jordan. The actual writer of it Brandon Sanderson who is very much alive and will be writing one more book for the series.

                2. I finished it.
                Absolutely true. I promised on Tuesday that it wouldn't take long.

                3. I've been reading this series for about 5 years now.
                Big fat lie. The only new book series I've picked up in the last 10 years is Twilight.
                And this particular series I've been reading for about 15 years. More than half my life.

                This week I'm changing it up a little (and hoping that the Drama Mama doesn't mind), since I'm not really one for following rules, and I'm bored, and I have nothing else to lie to you about.

                So this week we're going to play 2 Lies and a Truth.

                I got a new piercing last weekend. It was:

                1. My eyebrow.

                2. My nose.

                3. The cartiledge on my left ear.

                Which one is the truth??

                Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

                And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

                Wednesday, November 10, 2010

                Blog Fodder or A Million Lies and No Truth

                I'm coming to realize that I bitch about my starter husband Perry a lot on here.

                It's not really because I'm bitter, it's because I have to see him so damn much with him having the kids pretty much half of the time and having them at my house and all.

                So I thought I'd explain that I really do have shit to bitch about..

                • Perry doesn't shower. Or at least he only did about once a week when we were married (if I was lucky).
                • He's a compulsive liar.
                • Because he's a compulsive liar I don't know if my daughter is deathly allergic to shellfish and beestings or if he's pulling that shit out of his ass.
                • And when I say compulsive liar I mean that for the first year of our marriage I thought he was an Army veteran.
                • Turns out he flunked out of boot camp.
                • He bullys Oliver.
                • Mercilessly.
                • His mother is insane.
                • By insane I mean that she believes that the Air Force has a special contingent of planes that fly around her house looking out for her.
                • And she calls CPS on people when she gets bored.
                • He's irrationally obsessed with image and wealth (or at least the illusion of it).
                • This combined with his only nodding aquaintance with the truth has some interesting results.
                • As in he will tell people that whatever he has or was or did was so high class, when it really wasn't.
                • It's actually really kind of funny to watch.
                • I'm pretty sure he's in the closet.
                • So is just about everyone else who's ever met him.
                • He trashes our house everytime he's here. Which is Wednesday, Thursday and every other weekend.
                • So I have to spend my time with the kids cleaning up his mess.
                • He also randomly moves shit.
                • Though I'm pretty sure he only does that to see if he can push me over the edge into certifiable insanity as opposed to mildly mad.
                • He's rude to Bean.
                • He doesn't have any clue how to help with homework or school projects, and doesn't remember to have the kids do either on his days.
                • He pronounces "gay" "gee".

                Now do you see??

                There's just so much to bitch about, I can't help myself.

                It's like he's got a sign on his back that says:

                Blog Fodder

                Monday, November 8, 2010

                Magic Words

                I don't have much, it is Monday after all, but I thought I'd share a quick Tallulah story with you.

                A few days ago I told the kids it was Tallulah's bedtime and she came in to see me all cute and using her puppy dog eyes to great effect.

                Tallulah: Mommy, Oliver and I are playing Playmobil, can we finish this game before bed?

                Me: What do we say Tallulah?? Can we finish playing this game.....??

                Tallulah: Now??

                Saturday, November 6, 2010

                The Masterful Victory of Oliver the King of the Elves

                The hero was minding his own business walking through the forbidden forest.

                He was unafraid. He'd faced all of these dangers before.

                The fortress that could not be toppled trembled at his footstep.

                The sasquatch followed obediently at his heels.

                And the giant??

                He was the hero's best friend.

                No, there were no more mysteries here for him. It was as safe to him as a child's backyard. As it should be, since he was Oliver, King of the Elves.

                But on this day something was different.

                A serpent had crept into the forest and lay watching him.

                As he talked to the giant and played with the sasquatch it came upon him in stealth.

                But the serpent could not fool wise Oliver.

                He snatched it from the air as it rose to strike.

                The snake reared ready to change his target and strike at anything he could, but Oliver was fast.

                He threw the serpent into the Bog of No Return, but not before the serpent gave him a parting gift, a bite to the eye.

                As the hero watched his foe sink to oblivion, he felt the sting of venom. He screamed.

                Luckily for him, the giant knew the way to the old witch's den. There he led the king. Who begged for a potion from the evil hag.

                A potion she had. And once Oliver, the King of the Elves, demonstrated his courage and kindness, she gave it to him without delay, instantly healing his grevious injury.

                So Oliver, the King of the Elves, our hero can once again stroll through the forbidden forest unhindered.
                And the serpent?? He still sinks in the Bog of No Return.

                Thursday, November 4, 2010

                A Bully, A Driveway and A Book

                There's this fanfuckingtastic little meme on Fridays..

                BWS tips button

                I love it.

                It's hosted by 2 of my favorite ladies - Boobies and Christy.

                And all you have to do is give everyone and everything that pissed you off this week the big ole finger.

                See the beauty??

                For me this week hasn't been so bad but I can always find something to bitch about so..

                Fuck you Perry. I'm sorry that your mom is crazy and your dad is mad, and that you felt unloved back in the day when you were the fat, stinky kid. But that does not give you the right to bully our my son.

                Fuck you Mom. I realize that you're too fat lazy to walk that extra ten feet so you have to park at the end of the driveway forcing me to either park behind you or park in the street at my own house, but, if you want your car unblocked, do it yourself. After all that's what you make me do when you park there and I'm already home and then want to leave again.

                Fuck you my book. I have to wait two more years for the end of the story and it makes me want to jump off a building in despair depresses me just a little. Don't you know that patience is not one of my virtues??

                2 Truths and a Lie

                BWS tips button

                Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
                1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
                2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
                3.Link up
                4.Reveal your lie the next week!

                Last week I said:

                1. My cousin is having a baby girl in January.

                True. #2 is having a baby girl and she is due in January. The very cool thing about that is - I call him #2 because he is 2 out of 8 boys (and no girls). So Aunt and Uncle Straightlaced are VERY excited. I'm amused and can't wait to see my uncle with a baby girl, it should be interesting.

                2. My very good friend Cara had a baby boy in September.

                True. And he is quite possibly the most beautiful baby I have ever seen - mine included.

                3. I am having a baby in May.

                Sorry to disappoint - but if I were pregnant you would have heard Miley screaming at me in every corner of the known galaxy since she doesn't want to be pregnant and we're always pregnant together. And to whoever said they wanted to read a pregnancy blog, don't be too sad, mine wouldn't be very interesting, the only difference is I get crabby easier and I'm super fat.

                This week:

                1. The book I was so excited to read was written by a dead guy.

                2. I finished it.

                3. I've been reading this series for about 5 years now.

                Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

                And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

                Monday, November 1, 2010

                JJ's Got a Big Ole Mouth

                Like you hadn't figured that out already..

                But my friend Christy over at My Mad Mind (AKA the blog formerly known as I'm Just Sayin') has a widget that tracks just how big my mouth is, and I got this award for it:

                It may very well be the first time my loud mouth has gotten me something good.

                Saturday, October 30, 2010

                JJ's Drunken Blogging aka Why I Hate My Ex-Husband and Want to Kick Him in His Nonexistent Nut-sack

                First of all, I have to tell you that Bean is asleep and therefore cannot stop me from drunken blogging. Connie is awake, but she doesn't give a rat's ass what I'm doing, so we're all good.

                Oliver had a Halloween party tonight.

                My sorry ass is still a week behind because of Bean being in the hospital, so I didn't get him the invitations until seriously late - like yesterday. And he only invited like 5 people.

                I invited Connie and Miley and Ophalia and Dirty - basically all of me and Bean's friends that have kids.

                Connie, Miley and Ophalia came. Dirty did not. He's Bean's friend, the girls are mine. My friends rawk.


                Oliver did invite one school friend vocally a week ago, and he really likes him, so I called his mother and confirmed. So he had one school friend there.

                He didn't really care that there was only one.. He had his 3 best buds in the same party - Connie's boy, the Beave and School Boy.

                So we had this Halloween party.

                I made pigs in blankets wrapped all mummy-like and chicken fingers that looked a little (if you squint and turn your head just right) like actual fingers. And a big ass cupcake (because I wanted to). ANd punches, both kid punch and very adult punch.

                And I decked out the house.

                And I bought favors and a shit-load of candy.

                Perry made bad brownies and cookies. He bought fruit snacks and craft supplies and 2 bags of cheap off-brand candy.

                Alien (Oliver's biological father) made a creepy maze and bought us a fog machine and strobe light for said maze.

                So this party was set up to be the party of the fucking year.

                Enter Perry.

                Oliver ran into the garage while running the maze and went to Perry, because he hurt himself. And Perry says:

                If you're going to run into things then maybe you shouldn't do the maze at all

                Y'all, Oliver is a little clumsy. And a lot emotional.

                So when he trips over shit he wants a parent to coddle him.

                I realize that he's almost 11, but really is too much to look at the injury and give him a fucking hug??

                I found Oliver hysterical in the house, where he told me:

                I thought this was going to be a fun Halloween party, but Daddy's here and he's ruining it.

                He wouldn't have said that to Tallulah.

                It's hard to ignore what he says when he's been my dad for 7 years.

                I bet he never even liked me.

                Normally, I'm pretty diplomatic and I try to just deflect not actively jump in, but Oliver was hysterical and this was a party he's been looking forward to for a year, and I had been drinking the grown-up punch for about 3 hours.

                So I pulled Perry into my room (the only kid-free room) and told him that if he couldn't say something nice to my son to not say anything at all.

                And you have no idea the level of self control it took to not kick him the fuck out of my house.

                Little Miss Perfect

                Tallulah is doing The March of Dimes reading thing.
                I tried to avoid it by throwing away her envelope.

                Because they had pictures the 2nd week of school.
                And on the 3rd week, Oliver had a fundraiser.
                And on the 4th week, Oliver had pictures.
                And on the 5th week, Oliver had a book fair.
                And now Tallulah has The March of Dimes.
                And Oliver has a Band fundraiser.
                And next week is her book fair.
                And that weekend is the school “Family Fun Day”.

                And Dad has yet to offer any monetary contributions to all of this.
                Therefore I’m broke.

                So I threw the envelope away.

                And Tallulah went to school the next day, told her teacher she had lost the envelope and got a new one.

                Then she came home and read 5 books.

                And last night, she read 13 more.
                And tonight she’s planning on at least 2 more (but that’s only if she can’t find more than that).

                Who is this child??

                How did I end up with this overachieving perfectionist??

                I may be a little anal now that I'm an adult, but that’s mostly because I’m lazy.

                I don’t want to have to look for shit. So I want it left where I can find it easily.

                And I don’t want to have to iron, so I want the clothes put away just so.

                And I hate having to spray for ants and roaches, so I want the damn dishes done and the counters wiped down.

                But its only because I’m lazy, and the alternative to doing things my way is more work. And I hate more work.

                So how did my daughter turn out to be overeager??

                But she’s been this way since birth.

                When she was 18 months old she used to line up her Scooby Doo figures and put all the Daphnes together, and all the Freds together and the Velmas and the Shaggys and the Scoobys. All in one perfectly straight little line.

                I don’t get it. It baffles me.
                I also love it.

                Because life will be so much easier for her.

                She won’t have to work super hard to make sure that she remembers the due dates for things so that she can be sure and do it the night before.
                Everything will be completed and tidy 2 days after it was assigned.

                And she won’t have to worry about people randomly showing up at her house and seeing it messy.
                Because it will never be messy.

                And she won’t have to feel self-conscious about how she looks.
                Because her hair is always fixed and her clothes always match.

                I’m happy for her.

                But I don’t get her.

                Thursday, October 28, 2010

                2 Truths and a Lie

                BWS tips button

                Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
                1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
                2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
                3.Link up
                4.Reveal your lie the next week!

                Last week I said:

                1. Marlene is the craftiest person I don't actually know.

                True. I don't actually know Marlene and she is super crafty. If you go check out her site, you'll see that she makes these uber cute cards, and I don't even know what I'd use them for, but I want all of them.

                2. I almost never understand Marlene's "Word of the Day".

                Lie. I actually usually do understand them most of the time. I realize that I usually blog in little, easy words (I talk that way too) but I'm the girl who's five year old self asked her father why he'd chosen her name and got this answer:

                Because I was looking for a polysyllabic name with multiple derivatives

                And I understood exactly what he meant because that's just how the show-off talked. All the time.

                3. Marlene comments on my blog all the time even though I never have any intelligent comments to leave on hers.

                Very, very true. Marlene always checks me out and leaves fun comments (especially on Thursdays) but all I ever have to say on her posts is:

                Too cute!!

                Or something else that means exactly the same thing.

                Because I am absolutely not crafty.

                This Week:

                1. My cousin is having a baby girl in January.

                2. My very good friend Cara had a baby boy in September.

                3. I am having a baby in May.

                Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

                And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

                Wednesday, October 27, 2010

                Mean, Cruel and Heartless

                Oliver brought home his conduct sheet the other day. There were 2 C’s, 1 B and 1 blank space, and I have no idea what that means.

                B’s are pretty normal for him. He just can’t manage to be quiet. Or sit still. Or follow directions. And most teachers recognize that and don’t give him a whole lot of crap for it. So he gets B’s.

                But C’s?? That’s a slippery slope. Pretty soon the C’s turn into D’s and the D’s turn into F’s.

                And I hate to punish him for talking conduct marks. Mostly because I’ve come to realize over the last 6 years that he just can’t help it, he has a big mouth. But also because if I did then the boy would be grounded every day.
                So I normally let those slide.

                This time I had to crack the whip.

                We talked and I told him that if they weren’t pulled up into B’s by next week that his weekend plans would be in jeopardy.

                Because I’m mean.

                That was the same night that he didn’t get to go to fencing because he hadn’t finished his homework in time.

                Because I’m cruel.

                And then, the next morning he called me at work moderately hysterical because the dogs had eaten his conduct sheet.

                I laughed.

                Because I’m heartless.

                Monday, October 25, 2010

                The Super Frightful Ever Spooky Pants-Less Dementor

                Oliver adores Halloween. He always has.

                His favorite show when he was 2 was Scooby Doo – and his very first crush was Daphne. And I let him watch it because he adored it.

                Everyone told me that it would cause him to have nightmares, but really, what child doesn’t have some nightmares, and he loved the idea of the boogey man.

                Granted, I did have to sweep the room before bed to check and make sure the boogey man had gone home for the night, but really, nothing unmanageable.

                Anyway, not the point (which I am getting to, I promise..

                Because Oliver loves Halloween so much, he’s convinced his sister that it is the best holiday ever, and since she would really like to be able to follow him around like a puppy dog (and occasionally does, literally), it wasn’t very hard.

                So every year we’ve built upon our Halloween decorations.

                3 years ago we got this frightful tree thing. I’m not really sure if it’s supposed to be a wicked witch or a tree monster, but I like it. And it cackles whenever someone walks by (or when the sun sets, or the wind blows, or all the time really.. and it took Bean almost 2 weeks to find the source of the cackling after I put it up..).

                2 years ago we started the graveyard in the front. Now we have about 12 tombstones, and yes, they fall down all the time, but I love the fact that they look better when my grass isn’t mowed, so I get to be lazy creative.

                Last year we got these bone wind chimes that shake whenever they hear a sound - or at least they do when the batteries are good.

                And inside we have spider web curtains and table cloths, and pumpkin candle holders and a spooky candle tree for the mantle.

                I love it.

                Our new additions this year were some cauldrons (hanging from chains above my bar so that Bean can hit his head on them every morning while making me coffee) and Oliver’s favorite:

                I’m really not sure what it is. Maybe the Grim Reaper?? Maybe a Zombie. Maybe just a spooky skull guy in a black cloak..

                No idea.

                But he’s hovering in our front window ready to scare the shit out of you whenever you walk up and belatedly notice him. (or when you get up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and see him out of the corner of your eye when your husband is working and you’re home alone with the children..)


                We have fun at Halloween.

                This year there’s a Harry Potter theme (which we've done before, only Oliver was a super cute Harry Potter and Tallulah was Hedwig - seriously, it was the cutest thing ever!!).

                Tallulah is going as Hermione.
                Oliver is going as a dementor.
                I am going as Professor McGonagall.
                Bean has to work.

                Last weekend the kids tried on their costumes.

                Tallulah looked very sweet in her get up.

                Oliver looked hilarious.

                For starters, the mask is too big.

                Second, the cloak is too short.

                And third, the ghoulish dementor hands that he had to have?? Those he can’t get on without an assload of pulling and straining on my part.

                So I told him he’d have to wear black pants with it.

                His response??

                Or no pants.

                I was howling.

                I don’t know if you guys have read Harry Potter, but a dementor does not have pasty pale, scrawny little legs.
                And that’s not even mentioning that parts of the cloak come up to his crotch.

                Perry has them on Halloween. Since he refused to trade with me.

                So he can have fun taking Hermione and the Pants-less Dementor out Trick-or-Treating.

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                Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?!?!

                I DO!!!!!

                I'm sure you've noticed my new look.. I love it more than my favorite vibrator dildo marital aid.

                The fucking fantabulous Drama Mama, Stephanie over at The Scoop on Poop did this for me.

                Don’t you love it?!?!

                I do.

                And if you look over there on my right sidebar you'll see my super cute new button. You should grab it, because it’s freaking awesome.

                If you want your very own super cool new layout, go here. She’s awesome and I love her and she may be my new best friend (sorry Miley).

                Friday, October 22, 2010

                Fanfuckingtastic Friday

                Boobies has this absolutely amazing little meme on Fridays..

                BWS tips button

                It's an open invitation to give a big ole' fawk you out to whomever you'd like. (Except I don't fawk, I fuck.. If I don't watch my language for my kids, I'm not watching it for you, sorry.)

                I alluded to this on Tuesday with my Post-Its, but I thought I’d elaborate for y’all.
                One of my fabulous co-workers left a note lying around.
                It was found, and it said this:

                "Cutting Costs:
                Diversify/Combine postions
                Do away with Sec position”

                That’s me.

                I was going to just let it go, but my VP, Anal Boss, came in the office on Tuesday and I started freaking the fuck out.

                Fanfuckingtastic!! He’s here to fire me!!

                All day long.

                I couldn’t handle it, so I asked him.

                He said my job wasn’t in danger.


                But who wrote the note??

                I have no idea.

                I have suspicions.

                Mostly centering around the 3 guys in the office who know what the word “diversify” means. And since one of those is my husband, that just makes 2.

                So fuck you whoever wrote that note.

                And I'm still not clear on the whole thing, but somehow Christy has something to do with Fawk You Fridays and I love her.

                Thursday, October 21, 2010

                2 Truths and a Lie

                BWS tips button

                Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
                1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
                2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
                3.Link up
                4.Reveal your lie the next week!

                Last week I said:

                1. Oliver has decided to do Science Fair again this year.

                True. He wants to do Science Fair with his little buddy, they want to see if you can train rat dogs better with treats as a reward or by using praise. He loves science.

                2. I absolutely detest Science Fair.

                Very, very true. I hate having to prod him along and every year so far I've had to do vast amounts of work to "help" him.

                3. He wants Tallulah to help him with his project and she's ridiculously excited about it.

                Lie. She's pissed. She doesn't want him to use her rat dog.

                This week, I thought since Marlene has gotten every single 2 Truths and a Lie right (and I do mean every single one) that I'd make it all about her.

                1. Marlene is the craftiest person I don't actually know.

                2. I almost never understand Marlene's "Word of the Day".

                3. Marlene comments on my blog all the time even though I never have any intelligent comments to leave on hers.

                Take your guess and come back next week for the reveal!!

                Wednesday, October 20, 2010

                My Name is Rowlf and I'm the Cutest Puppy Ever

                Y'all have met my puppy, Rowlf..

                This is normally what he looks like..

                But right now he has a really bad haircut..

                I am still so in love with him.. But really, to be very honest, he's not the brightest crayon in the box.

                For starters, it hasn't occurred to him that he's a 60 lb goldendoodle. He thinks he's an 8 lb rat dog.

                And when we go to the park or something he just does whatever the other dogs do.

                So if there are good dogs there, he's good, but if there are poorly behaved pitbulls who don't listen to their owners, he just does what they do.

                I'm finally cat free. So even though I don't have a doggie door, now that the weather's nice I can leave the back door open and don't have to crate the dogs because Tallulah's little bitch baby likes to crap on the floor in front of people's bedroom doors has accidents, so she needs to be able to go out whenever she wants.

                The rat dogs picked up on the door being open immediately, especially Dodger, because he's way too smart for his own good.

                But Rowlf just sat by the back door looking at me:

                Can I go out?? Huh?? Huh??

                I literally had to drag his 60 lb ass out.. and then I didn't see him for an hour.

                He was sitting outside by the backdoor:

                Can I come in now, Mom?? Can I?? Can I??