Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm Too Random for My Blog

We'll go ahead and make a theme this week - almost dying and my in-laws, here’s a couple of random bits involving them or almost dying:

This is an actual conversation between me and Bean while I was driving on the Big Ass Bridge on my way home from work one day.

Bean: Hello?


Bean: Ok??


Bean: Did you turn on the windshield wipers?


Bean: Baby, turn on the windshield wipers.


We weren’t married yet, and he lived closer to the office than I did, so I had to stop there and be hysterical for awhile, and of course his parents were there visiting. That’s when they realized that he and I were not exaggerating when we said I was crazy.

Also, Bean drove me to work almost every day after that, even though he bought me a new car with working windshield wipers the next week.

Bean's brother, Harley just got a new job, but then ended up in the hospital.

He's been there a week, and has been totally coherent the whole time, and has been going on and on about how worried he is about his job.

But he didn't call work to give them an update.

Finally Mom Bean had to stand over him while he called work - the boy is like 45 years old.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

She’ll be Screamin’ Round the Mountain When She Comes

The whole Switzerland Colorado trip has me thinking about my first experience going there, and it was one of those things that was NOT funny to me, but probably was fucking hilarious to everyone else.

I drove us the whole 18 hours to get there, because Bean was still pretty sick. And I’m from Houston. We don’t have hills much less mountains.

For most of the drive I was fine. I like to drive on roadtrips. But then we got to Raton Pass.

Me: Why do they have the pictures of rocks on the side of the road??

Bean: That’s to tell you to watch out for falling boulders

Me: Excuse me?!?!

Bean: It’s okay honey. There won’t be any falling boulders.

Me Ok.

Me: What do the signs about crosswinds mean??

Bean: Ummmm…..

Me: What?!?!

Bean: Well, they mean that, um, the crosswinds are sometimes strong enough to knock over an eighteen wheeler. But-they-are-not-that-strong-tonight-so-don’t-worry.


Bean: Baby, it’s the only way to get to BFE. It’s gonna be fine. You’re doing great.


Bean: The mooses are staying, baby. It’s okay. You’re doing great.

Me (tears now streaming down my face): I AM NOT DOING GREAT!!!!! I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 28, 2010

I'm Too Random for My Blog

I know Wednesday is random day, and I've already posted twice today, but I have some requests to fill.

First, Bean requested that I post this:

I am the Queen of Romance.

I randomly asked him if he would ever get a chin implant, because seriously, he has NO chin, and I don't really care, but I think about plastic surgery all the time for my no boobs, so I was wondering.*

And then I was picking a piece of something off his forehead and he said something about his uni-brow, so I I asked him if I could pluck it. And he said no, because he's going to the store to buy beer, and I said I could pluck it tonight when he went to bed.

So he said, Oh baby!! That would be HOTT!!

And then he said I must go blog about this right now

So look at me all being the good wife and stuff.

*He said no, just in case you were wondering.

And then, a couple of people have asked about "Word Up Yo!" and "Fawk You Friday", so here's the links for those.

BWS tips button

Though here's the actual post from last Friday.

header 150x150

And here's the actual post for this week's Word Up Yo!

Bean Wins.

We've been trumped.

Colorado is Switzerland, they have Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.

He likes to be right, he's happy.

Going to Switzerland

Bean is not a native Texan (*gasp*), he's a Coloradoian (yeah, I know that's not really what they call themselves, but really there's no good way to say that, Coloradoer??).

I was trying very hard to work out the logistics on that while we were dating..

Me: So are Coloradoians Yankees??

Bean: No.

Me: But you're not Southerners, you drink your tea with no sugar!!

Bean: No.

Me Ok.. I give up, what the hell are Coloradoians??

Bean: We're Switzerland.

So we're going to Switzerland to visit the in-laws.

It's really not a dreaded trip - Mom Bean & Dad Bean really are ok. And I adore his sister, Sofia and his nephew, Grant. And since Sofia's a teacher, she and Grant will both be on vacation - more time with me!!

And don't worry, I'm going to be a good little blogger and post some stuff for ya'll while I'm away, though I can't promise to be prompt with my comment replies - in-laws are so damn touchy when you ignore them.. But I know you'd all die of boredom if it weren't for me.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

You Love Me, You Really Love Me!!

I got an award from Kelly over at Mommy's Kicking Cancer's Ass. Thanks Kelly, your blog rocks!!

There are rules, and we must always follow the rules. ;)

So 7 things about me - which is actually kind of hard, because I tell everything all the time..

  1. I'm addicted to caffeine. Really cannot do with out it.

  2. I'm a bear in the mornings, as in Oliver once told Tallulah to leave mommy alone until after her first cup of coffee.

  3. I drive a PT Cruiser on purpose.

  4. If I touch a plant it dies. Always.

  5. I love shoes, especially super high heels.

  6. I'm not a huge fan of other people's children.

  7. I have some friends that I hang around with even though I think their morons.

And 5 people to pass it along to..

  1. Christy at I'm Just Saying

  2. Bluzdude at Darwinfish2

  3. CathyJoy at A Little Too Crazy to be Cool

  4. Tracie at Stir Fry Awesomeness

  5. Best Kept Secrets at World's Best Kept Secret

I also got one from Christy at I'm Just Sayin'. Thanks you!!

The rules for this one are:

• Thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
• Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience using five words.
• Pass it on to 10 other blogs which you feel have real substance.

I already did this, but there's no such thing as too much thanks. So, thanks Christy!! I love your blog, and if you guys aren't reading it, you should be.

As for my blogging philosophy, motivation and experience:

  1. I try to blog with HONESTY. I don't post things that I don't believe (at least for the moment).
  2. I blog because I need THERAPY, and putting everything out there is very theraputic for me.
  3. I try really hard to be POSITIVE, though sometimes that's not possible.
  4. I also blog because I think everyone should know they aren't ALONE in their insanities.
  5. My experience is that putting things out there gives you some PERSPECTIVE.

Now for the pass along..

  1. Kelly at Mommy's Kicking Cancer's Ass
  2. Miley at Musings of a Confused Woman
  3. Miss Nikki at Life's a Bitch
  4. Timoteo at Catnip
  5. Candace at Crazy Texas Mommy
  6. Holly at Are You Serious
  7. KLZ at Taming Insanity
  8. Aunt Crazy at Aunt Crazy's Here Ya'll
  9. Jennifer at The Momma Nerd
  10. Jules at Jules Out Loud

Serious Sunday

I really don’t like bitching about my horrible existence here, because it really puts a damper on the fun, but a girl’s gotta bitch somewhere, right??

So I’m thinking, Sundays. Sundays can be serious, and the rest of the week will just be crazy ole’ me. I’m really hoping that most of the time it’s like when you get your head stuck in the toilet seat – you know, NOT funny for you, but everyone else thinks its fucking hilarious, but we’ll see.

Ya’ll I need a shrink, bad.

If last week’s meltdown wasn’t enough to convince me, then there’s no hope.

But I don’t have a shrink, and I don’t have a lot of extra time, either I’ve got the kids or I’m ferrying them where they need to be so that I can not have the kids. Where in that am I going to put an appointment?? I don’t have time to screw around with the wrong kind of shrink for me, I need to pre-screen that shit.

So, as is my way, I concocted an imaginary conversation that I need to have with perspective shrinks’ receptionists..

Receptionist: Hello Shrink's office!

Me: Hi, I need a shrink, but I need you to answer a couple of questions before I decide if you're shrink is the shrink for me.

Receptionist: Umm.. ok??

Me: Can I cuss to you shrink, not at him, just to him? I mean, is he easily offended?

Receptionist: Umm.. I suppose??

Me: Ok, and is he pro crazy monkey sex??

Receptionist: I'm sorry??

Me: I mean, not that I'm a sex addict, because I'm not, I just really like sex, and I want a shrink who approves of that.. Fuck. I sound like a sex addict. Nevermind.

See the problem here??

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Following the Leader Wherever She May Go

I think I have a blogging pet peeve. It was bound to happen I guess, because I have pet peeves in just about every other area of life, but I’m still kind of bummed.

Ya’ll know that I love Friday Follows. But I hate it when people don’t actually do a post and then participate in Friday Follows.

How am I supposed to know if I like your blog if the only thing it says is – It’s Friday!! Follow Me!!

And very closely related to that is the people who don’t even read the blogs and comment something like – I’m from Friday Follow, follow me back!!

I might follow you back, but probably only if a) you’re a frequent commentator on my blog and/or b) I actually like your blog.

Because if your blog is all about fun crafts you can make out of toilet paper rolls, then I probably will not return the follow for no reason.

I’m thinking maybe it’s time for Fawk You Friday.

Wiener Wrangling and Doodle Fanoodling

I don't think I've introduced you guys to my favorite child. Yup, I've got one.

His name is Rowlf and he weighs in a whopping 25 lbs..

Yes, we are talking about a dog.

We have several animals, Rowlf, the golden doodle, Evil, the cat, Scrappy, the turtle and Dodger, the rat dog dachshund.

In January, after we had to have our Lab (who was little devil an angel, I miss her so much!!) put to sleep, a friend at church asked me if we'd let the kids have a puppy, and I asked what kind, and she said dachsund, so I said I'd have to ask Bean.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think a man would want a little rat dog.

But he did, so Oliver got Dodger.

This dog is smart and stubborn and protective and really I could care less. Sorry. I like real dogs. This dog is a rat.

So in March we got my baby, Rowlf. He's gorgeous and sweet and floppy. And stupid as can be. I love him.

For reasons that would take entirely too long to explain and are a blog post unto themselves, I put both Rowlf and Dodger in my bedroom last night.

I cleaned up everything I could find.. Bean's night stand, all the cords in the bathroom, the garbage can, everything.
And then I went to bed.

For starters, somehow Dodger managed to clim into the bed with me, which Bean has expressly forbidden.

Our bed is high, and he's a fucking wiener dog, I have no idea how he managed it..

And then when he got into bed with me, he had to kiss me to tell me that he'd done it..

I am NOT a puppy kisser..

That's one way to wake me up. Eww.

So this morning, this is what I woke up to..

And this..

And Dodger trying to look all innocent.

And Rowlf being all innocent, because I'm telling you, the boy sleeps all the time.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Friday Follow and Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome


Welcome Friday Followers!!

I'm so excited that you chose to come visit me, it gives me warm fuzzies and whatnot..

Just to give you a little intro & the cast of characters..

I'm moderately insane and by that I mean that I can hold down a job and everything, and usually manage to act pretty normal, but the stuff that goes through my head, that's an entirely different story..

I'm the mother of two brilliant children who totally embody my multiple personalities..

Oliver is crazy - he's all over the place, thinks normal is highly over-rated, and he has a real problem with staying in the box.. He's 10 and is currently calling himself "Majesto the Magnificent".

Tallulah is straight and narrow - she NEEDS rules and if you don't give them to her, she gets upset. She's 6 and keeps the family calendar, by her request.

I'm divorced from the kids dad - good riddance to bad rubbish.

And I'm married to the love of my life, Bean.

Bean is a cancer survivor, more random than I am (if that's possible) and he spoils me rotten - he wakes me up with a cup of coffee every morning..

My mother lives with us, and for the most part that works, but sometimes I think we're a little too crazy for her - or maybe she's too normal for us??

And this is my blog - it's the place where I let it all hang out. I cuss alot and post more or less whatever's on my mind, from kid antics, to work drama, to insane meltdowns and then some.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's play a little game. And for the record, I totally stole this idea from jChristy at I'm Just Sayin'.

What's your worse foot-in-mouth moment?? Or. If you're one of those people who never has foot-in-mouth moments, then tell us about someone else's.

I don't have foot-in-mouth moments, I have foot-in-mouth syndrome. I'm forever saying shit that I shouldn't. For example:

At the company Christmas party Bean & I were sitting across from the President (of our company, not of the United States) and his wife. And everything was going great. We're chatting & Mrs. President was all nice and stuff. But she kept asking questions, and really you shouldn't ask me and Bean questions if you don't really want the answers. So before I know it Mr. & Mrs. President are getting my whole fucking life story and half way through I finally start listening to myself, and I realize that I have now told my boss and his stick up the ass wife that I have two children by two different fathers neither of whom is with me at this party.


Then it gets worse. I start backtracking (because my stupid ass can't leave well enough alone) and trying to explain how I'm not a whore or anything I just have bad luck with men, or maybe men just suck, or maybe I'm an idiot, or maybe just have verbal diarrhea.

Double Fuck.

And then Mrs. President looks at me and says Are we going to be quizzed on this later?

Triple Fuck.

At the next company party Mr. President assigned seating and put me & Bean as far away from him & Mrs. President as possible.

So make me feel better. What's your foot-in-mouth moment??

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I've Been Caught or How the Hell Am I Going to Talk My Way Out of This One??

**DISCLAIMER** I'm blogging from my phone & that doesn't usually work out very well for me. So please just forgive the massive typos & formatting issues.

I'm pretty sure I'm fucked. I mean I was a little fucked last week when I asked Bean to proofread the Father's Day post and he's all wait a second.. "Bean Bean The Magical Fruit", W.T.F.????? and then he had to go through and read every posting that even remotely mentioned him.

But Bean is smart enough to know that its his own damn fault. If he were religiously following my blog then he would have seen all the posts before ya'll did & objected (not that it would have done much good).

But now Mrs. #2 saw my other facebook profile.

Just to explain, I grew up with Mrs. #2 and we were very close as kids & then my cousin #2 fell for her & I convinced her to marry him (she's all blissfully happy, its good). But in the last few years she's gotten close to Amara and is all thinking that maybe Amara's right about me and our fight is all my fault and it pisses me off, because Amara has ALWAYS been a bitch, and I have always not been (at least not witho. ut. Provocation).

Anyway, so she found my new I-get-to-post-whatever-the-fuck-I-want-to facebook profile & friended me and is all why'd you get a new profile?????.

I want to say to be honest with her. I wanted to be able to say whatever I wanted. But then she'll wonder why she's not my friend and I'll have to tell her.

And I don't want to.

She picked the bitch. She couldn't drive 30 minutes to come to my birthday party or to my kids birthday parties, but she drives 4 1/2 fucking hours out of her way to stop in at the bitch's son birthday party to stay for 30 minutes.

Its pretty obvious who is more important to her.

So why is she making me answer this question?? Ugh.

I'm Too Random for My Blog

Its a random kind of day, so here's a sample:

Redneck Boss cannot speak proper English. He sent me an email the other day that said:

That are a clock would be our best bet. We will start looking Monday.

What does that even mean??

Do you ever think that you’re not cool enough for things?? Like your car, or your phone, or your shoes?? Like maybe they’re singing the “I’m too Sexy” song about you..

I’m too sexy for this girl, too sexy for this girl too sexy baby!!

Ok, maybe it’s just me.

Why do people like to insist they know things about other people's lives??

Yesterday Mr. Eyes & FNG were talking about Colonel Sanders insisting that he didn't need overtime because he's got a shitload of money. WTF?? Ya'll we don't work someplace where everybody's all best buds so how the hell would anyone know that?? Besides, Colonel Sanders lives in White Trash KKK City, why would he live there if he was rolling it in??

People need to mind their own business.

I heard on the radio that 90% of women would prefer to have a perfect body themselves rather than have a significant other with a perfect body. They needed a study to figure that out?? They could have just asked one woman that and gotten their answer.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Way Back Wednesday

I'm kind of excited about this.. The idea is to answer the "Way Back Wednesday" question of the week and then link up (which I'm not sure I did right, I guess we'll find out)..

This week's question is:

What are your favorite memories from your wedding?

Hmmmmm.. First off, my wedding doesn't count as way back, I've only been married for 6 months (we don't count the first time, I've successfully block almost all of those memories unless they involve Oliver & Tallulah).

The whole day was pretty much awesome, it's hard to pick..

First off, I was not nervous, I was excited.. I remember Maud delivering my cake, and it was GORGEOUS .

And then getting to the church and walking in on my best friend & his wife rehearsing the music, and it sounded so beautiful that I teared up and had to leave before I ruined my makeup.

And the kids looked so good, just angelic.. That's always nice.

The expression on Bean's face when I walked in was amazing.

During picture time everyone was all goofy, and that was fun - and for a couple of shots, the photographers all ummm, Jenn, get up on the piano and I was all huh and she was like yup, I think I want you up on the piano. So I had to call #5 in to help me up on the piano, because, while I could have done it alone, my dumbass probably would have ripped my dress, and #5 is ridiculously strong..

Then after all that, we just went back to the house to hang out (it was not a huge wedding) and Aunt Godmother gave us her gift - it was this huge ass box full of Hallmark Peanuts ornaments that she had been collecting and saving for Bean for 35 years.. I cried.

And to top all of it off, they pimped out my car..

It was pretty much a perfect day.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

In the Sense of the Word

I had an epiphany yesterday.

I'm fucking annoying. And not in the mildly obnoxious sense of the word, but in the "wow, I want to stab that woman in the eye with a spoon" sense of the word.


I was talking to this bitch at work (and I mean that in the, she's a bitch, not she's a woman & I'm being a bitch sense of that word), and I realized that I say "so" ALOT.

I mean I've noticed it in my blogging, and it might scare you to know that I edit out a good 2/3 of my "so's", but there's still an ass load of them. But I had never noticed how much I say "so" when I talk. It's like this:

Bitch: How's it going in your office?

Me: Well, they can't make up their minds about anything, so.....

Bitch: I know how that is. Are there any other women down there?

Me: There's just Ms. Man, but she doesn't really count, so.....

Bitch: I know it's hard to get along with all the different personalities

Me: Oh yeah, but with women it's even worse, I won't let Anal Boss hire women anymore, so.........

Obviously that's a seriously edited conversation, but I shit you not, it was like every single fucking sentence had a "so" on the end. I was ready to gouge my OWN eye out with a spoon!!

I've never noticed it before, but yesterday it was like Pee-Wee's Playhouse, and everytime I said it there were flashing lights and sirens - because it was the fucking word of the day!!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Happy Monday

I don't like Mondays. They suck, but I'm up entirely too early, so here's a few articles to keep you busy for awhile, because God knows nobody wants to actually work on Monday.

It's summer & everyone's talking about A/C bills and all, but really, if you're going to post an article about "How to Survive Without A/C", don't you think you should find someone who lives somewhere hot to interview??

I may not be a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I can tell the difference between a dead body and a mannequin.

Ok, really?? This guy got himself stuck inside an ATM..

Wow.. what the fuck does a dog need with an $8.3 million mansion??

Happy Monday!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day

To all you Fathers out there, Happy Father's Day. You have no idea how much influence you have on your children. Keep up the good work.

Normally this would be where I share a happy childhood memory of my father, but, my dad was a jackass. So instead of remembering him, I'll honor Pa, Oliver's grandfather who has adopted Tallulah, me & Bean.

Pa smokes and drinks and cusses. He likes to look at boobs and has taken Oliver to Hooters. He collects Easter Peeps and keeps them for years.
All of these things crack me up.

He can fix anything that's broken (even a spirit) and knows everything about everything. He cooks like nobody's business.

He's kind and generous and loving and strong, and he's someone that I wish had really been my father, and I'm so grateful to have been adopted by him.

He & Bean are kindred spirits, and I hope that Oliver & Tallulah know how lucky they are to have these two great men in their lives.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I Get It!! Finally.

This week I have been way more blog-centric than usual.. Normally I post up my schtick and then wait until I have something else to say however many days later, and then I read my comments (which to be honest have for the most part until this week been from people I actually know..). Consequently I have learned so many things about blogging that I did not know before.

Like all these cool things that have convinced me that I’m totally in love.

  1. Friday Follows – LOOOVE them!! That shit keeps me busy at work for hours !! I like the whole new people following me and stuff, but really it’s about keeping me from being bored and it rocks my socks off!!
  2. You can pre-post shit!! Did you know that?!?! It’s the coolest thing EVER!! It means that all the random ass shit I write at work I can take home & pre-post to show up on my blog later in the week & then I’m looking all kinds of productive!!
    ( everything is blocked at work, and my phone really doesn’t like to post shit – it’s way too smart/cool/kickass for that, or maybe I’m just not smart enough to figure out how to do it. So I write stuff and save it and post it when I get home..)
  3. Bloggy people are so nice. Actually, it’s probably more like the people who don’t like you silently lurk, or at least that’s what I do, I’m not going to post a comment on someone’s blog saying “You sound like a total dickwhistle and I’m never coming back to your sucky blog again!!”, and I’ve never had a comment like that posted on mine. So bloggy people are nice. I like them.
  4. I’m not the only one with a split on-line personality. Several people that I follow admit to having a “normal” blog and a “crazy” blog. I like that, it makes me feel less sneaky.
  5. Closely related to 4 but just a little different - Reading about people who are almost as crazy as me makes me feel warm & fuzzy. And the plethora of them supports my theory that everyone is a little crazy, but no one but me, Bean & Miley like to admit it.
  6. The guys at work also like the blogs I do, and if I read an entry out loud to them, it’s good for at least a 30 minute conversation.
  7. Blogging and blog reading from my computer is WAY easier than doing it from my phone.

Of course, not everything was good, but obviously, since I’m still here, they weren’t that bad.

  1. When I follow more than 3 blogs I have one hell of a time trying to keep shit straight.
  2. Bean thinks the Bloggess sounds like me. And at first I was insanely flattered that he thought I was that awesome, but then, after he said he couldn’t read her because he can’t keep up with his own randomness much less hers, I realized it’s not that he thinks I’m that awesome, it’s that he thinks I’m that random. Fuck. So much for my self-esteem.
  3. Mom is the nosiest person EVER!! I was typing up an entry for later and she passed through to make her dinner and was all “Whatcha doin??” and I said “Blogging” and I had minimized it, so she was all “What you don’t want me to see what you’re writing??” and I’m all “No, not particularly”. So she huffed away and said “That’s ok, I’ll just read your blog later. Unless it’s a secret blog…..”
    WTF?? I’m 29 fucking years old. It’s not a “secret” blog, it’s a “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” blog.
    Grr. This is why I have two blogs and thank my fucking lucky stars that my mother is not computer savvy.
    I need an incognito picture. Maybe Miley will help.
  4. Blogging all day long sucks my phone battery like a porn star.

There are still some things that confuse the shit out of me, though.

  1. What the hell are memes and all those other weird blog words (that I can’t think of now that I’m trying to ask about them)??
  2. Do I have an email address??
  3. Am I supposed to have an email address??
  4. How the hell do I make this numbering thing look right?!?!

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Cats in the Attic

No really, there are cats in my attic. I tend to think we should leave them alone, cats are very self sufficient and there’s nothing up there. And if they want to fry in my bazillion degrees attic, more power to them, but I’ve gotten lots of advice on how to deal with them, mostly from the guys at work.

Coon-Ass Boss says to throw some rat poison up there and then go retrieve the dead bodies.


FNG says to throw a dog up there, preferably a rat terrier (he has a neighbor I can borrow one from) and let it kill them and bring the bodies to me.

Redneck Boss says that Dodger can do the job.

Again, yuck.

Old Pervert and Colonel Sanders for once didn’t have any advice.

Go figure.

Tallulah says we should feed them, and hug them and love them forever.*

Um, no. We already have a cat that I don’t like, we do not need more.

*She actually didn’t say that. I’m not really sure what she said, because I was at work when they were discovered, she probably really said “Awwwwwww!!!!!!!!”, but I guarantee she was thinking something to that effect, she’s a cat person.

And incidentally I'm doing the Friday Follow - I'm not entirely sure how it works since my phone is smarter than me, but I really like the idea..


Bean Bean the Magical Fruit!!

I don't have very many male readers, so I don’t know that I’m going to get a good answer here, but maybe ya’ll have some new theories for me..

Why is it that Bean insists on telling me about gross bodily functions??

Like the other night he texted me saying how I was so glad he was at work and not at home because he had bad gas, and then last night he brought it up again only this time he elaborated and explained how 5 sprays of industrial strength air freshener did nothing, and the other guys in the office walked through the office next door to go the bathroom just so they didn’t have to walk through his stench.

Why did I need to know this??


When he’s in the bathroom for 45 minutes and then comes out and says to me “you might want to use the kids’ bathroom tonight, because I just stunk up our bathroom.”

Because I couldn’t have deduced that??

I just don’t get it. I mean, we've only been married for 6 months - I feel like we’re still in the stage where it’s not okay for me to even burp in front of him. And I kind of feel like it should never be okay for me to fart in front of him if I can help it.

Hell, I wait for him to leave the house before taking care of any serious bathroom business, because that’s kind of gross and I really do feel like there are some things that just should not be shared.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Socially Neurotic and Afraid of Rejection Bloggers Group

First of all, I need to apologize for anything and everything I said today. It's been one of those days that reminds me why I need to find a good shrink and a prescription for valium.

See, my friend Miley is a member of Studio 30 Plus, and she has nothing but good things to say about them, and she totally loves it. I think it’s totally cool, and I’ve looked around the site a little, happy that Miley has a group, but I’m not 30, I can’t join. Oh look, butterflies!! And I didn’t really think about it again, until today.

I was snooping through some blogs and found one that looked cool, except that the author is crafty, and I don’t understand crafty people. So I was about to leave when I saw that Crafty Lady is a member of 20 Something Bloggers!!

So I thought, That is so cool!! I can join that group, because I am 20 something!!

That’s when it started, my crazy totally kicked in and thoughts started flying..

But will they kick me out in a year when I turn 30?? Because then I would be sad. I just shouldn’t join the 20 Something Bloggers.

Maybe I can join the 30 Plus group, because I am very close to being 30??

But if those 30 Plus bloggers found out that I’m not 30 yet, would they kick me out?? Because then I would be sad and I wouldn’t be able to be in any groups then because the 40 Something bloggers want to kill me. I still can’t join the 30 Plus bloggers.

But if I joined the 20 Something Bloggers, that I belong with, will they like me?? Am I too crazy for them?? Maybe I am. Maybe that’s why I don’t have many friends who are 20 Something. They will hate me, and then they will want to kill me just like 40 Something Bloggers. I’m not going to join.

Fuck!! I want a group!! Is there a Crazy Ladies Who Don’t Want to be in the Other Groups group?? Or perhaps a Socially Neurotic and Afraid of Rejection group?? Because I think I want those groups.

Double fuck. I can’t find the Crazy Ladies Who Don’t Want to be in the Other Groups group or the Socially Neurotic and Afraid of Rejection group. Can I make them?? How do I make them??

Damn Crafty Lady!! I was all accepting of my lack of a group until you came along, and now I want to cry about my grouplessness.

I would like to point out, for the record, that this neurotic breakdown is not my fault. Miley is in a different time zone, so I can’t call her because it confuses me to call across time zones, I never know if it’s a good time to call or if it’s 3AM, and she’s been gone forever, and I need her to be my brain.
Also, when I finally did text her, she was all “you can never join the 30 Something blog group because you just celebrated your last birthday” (I’m not turning 30, I’m staying 29 forever), so now I’m ready to cry because I didn’t think of that..
But don’t worry, I told her that she’s not allowed to be in a different time zone than me anymore, so this shouldn’t happen again.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Let You Entertain Me.

You guys really need to write more, and comment more and just you know, entertain me more, all day long. See, I spend the vast majority of my day staring off into space and getting paid for it. And I’m not complaining, but it makes my day really fucking long.

It’s not that I don’t want to work, because I really don’t have a problem with that. It’s just that I’m so damn good at my job that it doesn’t take me very long to do it. (Plus, my boss really likes to try to do my job, so he takes away my reports whenever he gets bored, which is often)

So all day long at work, I read, unless I’m reading a boring book, or have no book. Or I play Spider Solitaire (and I rawk at that). Or I read blogs, only I don’t really read that many blogs, so when I’ve already read all of the blogs I read I go browsing for new blogs, but that takes time, and I have to read a whole bunch of crap just to find one blog I like.

So it would just be easier for me if M – F you guys would all post like 5 times, and then comment all over everything.

Hump Day Shorts

Just a couple of short little antics for Hump Day:

I tried really hard to upload a picture that I actually took, but my phone is all wonky and won't send it to me. Grrr..


Anyway, I actually saw one of these on the way home from work today, and it cracked me because I can't decide if it's saying "my hotness can not be contained by a regular motorcycle, I need a third wheel for that" or "I really like motorcycles, but I'm not coordinated enough to drive one". What do you think??

And this just makes it better - when I looked up the picture because my phone's all wonky, I found out they are actually called boss hoss trikes. Muahaha..


My mother just informed me that she gave the kids watermelon today, and Oliver chose to eat his in the bath.. I just don't know what to say about that.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm a Whore

I'm not supposed to tell ya'll this story, but it was fucking hysterical, and Bean has to understand that anything fucking hysterical that happens in our lives is going to make the blog, because I love you guys and I can't deprive you.

(and Bean doesn't read the blog anyway)

The other night Bean was taking a nap and I was watching Bring It On: Just an Excuse to Show Scantily Clad Teenage Girls:

Bean: She looks like a whore.

Me: Huh??

Bean: (sits up and looks at me) Don't turn my wife into a whore!!

Me: What??

Bean: (lays back down) Don't turn my wife into a whore!!

Me: What are you talking about?!?

Bean: (starts snoring)

I asked him about it later and he totally did not remember this conversation.

I May Have Started a War

I'm really hoping there won't be any actual bloodshed, but I may have picked a big ass fight.
I purged my facebook friends list.
I personally don't really see the big deal, I mean, I got a little upset when my bitchy ass cousin, Mia, added me (and I agonized over whether or not to accept, because I can't stand her, and I didn't want to start a big ol facebook fight, but Mom had added her so I had to - and then I watched everything I posted for months looking for any double meanings - because she sees them in everything I do or say), and then a month later de-friended me. But I was just mad that she friended me when she hates me just so that she could what?? Spy on me, rip my heart out when she de-friended me?? I didn't get it, so I was annoyed.

wow, I just re-read that, and it's a little crazy, but that's ok. Ya'll know me.

Anyway, I don't see the big deal. But I know some people do and I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Mostly I did it because I had already "Tiered" my friends so that I could control who sees what, and those who didn't make the top 2 tiers weren't seeing any of my posts, or my wall, anyway.
And I had some kids from the church on my list, and really I post some seriously inappropriate stuff sometimes, and what if my privacy settings go all wonky and they get to see that stuff somehow?? Not good.

The only people I left were people who I regularly interact with, either on facebook or in person, and my family (who are on the very bottom tier, because they really like to pretend like I'm not insane).

But what I'm wondering is - If people get all upset that they were de-friended, what do they do??

a) Call you up with a big WTF?!?!

b) Re-friend you in case it was a mistake.

c) TP your house.

d) Talk shit about you to everyone they know.

e) None of the above - they don't care, because I was just boosting the number on their friends list.

I vote for E, but if I can't have that, I pick C, because then at least I don't have to deal with it. I think that might make me a coward, but I really don't care.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Leave Bean Alone Dammit

I’m irritated bordering on outraged.

See, I’m not really one of those people who really tells other people off. I mean, if you ask my opinion, you’re going to get it, and I might make a smart-ass comment if you’re being a douche-canoe, but other that I prefer quiet fuming.

But lately all sorts of people have been making comments about Bean in my hearing. For starters, that’s just about the ballsiest thing I can think of anyone doing, talking about my husband while I'm standing right there – even including making comments about me in my hearing.

But besides all that, most of the comments I hear are about health related issues.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before here, but my husband is a fucking walking limping miracle. (If you really want the whole dramatic story, follow the *, if not, take my word for it and continue.) So when people make comments about him, it pisses me off, big time.

I mean if I want to call him the Uni-baller, that’s okay – it’s my toy to make fun of. And if you want to laugh at my uni-baller jokes, still cool.

But to make random comments about the health of ANYONE who has survived that much shit, is insensitive and wrong.

I mean, if you want to say something about how I’m a hypochondriac and the only real headaches I have are 6 and 10. That’s fine. I do have migraines, and they hurt like a bitch, but they’re just migraines and you're right, a good percentage of them start with the insanely loud noises Oliver and Talullah insist on making.

But Bean has a license to puke in public, gimp everywhere he goes, fall down anytime he damn well pleases, and sleep all damn day long.

And yet, for the most part, the only one of those he does is gimp. He’s a fucking super-hero. I don’t think anyone else I know could deal with the shitty hand he was dealt and still be functioning, much less laughing about it and taking care of a family and a high-maintenance-crazy-as-hell wife.

So I don’t want to hear any comments about it. From anyone. Ever.

*The super long, dramatic and ultimately triumphant story is that in the Spring of 2008 Bean was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He had the testicle removed, and started chemo in June. Shortly after his last round of chemo, Labor Day 2008, he went into hospital where he had a seizure and was intubated. Hurricane Ike hit Houston on September 13, 2008, so Bean was evacuated, with all of his systems shut down - he was on dialysis and had a collapsed lung on top of the intubation and the fucking power kept flickering.. Long story shorter, he more or less almost died about 5 times. I think I slept a total of 24 hours that whole month, it was a fucking nightmare.

19 days after he went under, he woke up and has been getting better since. Like I said, my husband is a fucking super-hero.

And in case you were wondering, Bean is still cancer-free.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Do We Have a Case of the Mondays??

Today is very Monday, and I’m exhausted. I want to sleep at my desk, but I can’t because my boss hates me.

So I’ve been considering jumping off the balcony because that would be good for at least 2 days off, and if I broke every bone in my body then the bigger children adults that live with me might be forced to actually work. It’s a novel concept.

I even almost called Miley to ask her if this was a good plan, but then I remembered that she sucks and she’s taking a stupid wonderful vacation with her children and her amazingly hot just-a-friend, so she probably doesn’t want to be bothered.

So I just imagined the conversation, because really anyone else I asked about this would probably try to lock me up and that’s no good.

In my imagined conversation, Miley told me that I was fucking nuts and explained how much broken bones hurt (because with the exception of a little toe, I actually wouldn’t know), and then she told me how I would really have to miss more than 2 days of work, because if I broke any bones used for walking I’d be screwed with my not-handicap-accessible work place.

My imaginary self only heard the part about missing more than 2 days, and thought that would be fucking awesome.

Imaginary Miley then pointed out how I don’t have enough sick or vacation time to cover all of that, so I’d be poor.

Damn you logical imaginary person.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Practice Makes Perfect

My potty mouth really ran away with me during this post.. I'd really like to apologize, but you did, after all, come here of your own free will..

I am absolutely convinced that talking to yourself is like pot. Everyone's done it, but not everyone admits they have.
I'll admit it (on both counts, talking to myself & trying pot - though for the record, it was only twice but I did inhale).
I talk to myself all the time. I like to think of it as personal pep talks, but alot of times it's rehearsing for imaginary conversations.
For instance, if I'm on my way home from work and I've gotten an email from Oliver's teacher that says he threw a chair and then he skipped class (that last part has never happened, the first part has, several times - my boy has anger management issues), I might want to rehearse for the conversation I know is coming. Because honestly, what I really want to say goes something like this:

Me: Oliver, what the fuck is the matter with you, why did you go ape-shit on your teacher?!?! I think I will have to take your flat screen TV, and X-box 3 and put them in my room as punishment, you'll have to make do with my big-ass TV and Super Nintendo. Now maybe next time you'll think about it before you decide to act like an evil little shit.

But I totally realize that I can't call my son an evil little shit, and I probably shouldn't say "WTF?" to him either. Thus the rehearsal.*

Other times I practice for conversations that I know are almost certainly never going to happen. Like today. My bitch, I mean sister**, is in town and asked Mom and the kids to go to a movie and then dinner with her. I really don't like the idea of the kids spending time with her. Not only because I don't trust her, but also because I hate that they think she's nice and that she cares about them. I hate knowing that at some point she is going to hurt them.

But I wasn't off of work yet when Mom needed to leave and if she really wants to torture herself by spending time with the evil bitch then I should be supportive. So the kids are with her as I type, and on my way home from work, I practiced what I would say to her if she were speaking to me, it went something like this:

Me: Amara, I really don't know what your problem is, since you've never bothered to actually tell me, but I pity you. You have surrounded yourself with all of these wonderful people who don't know you. They know you're sweet and funny and caring and all of that bull-shit, but they don't know the insane and vindictive things you are capable of. You only have one friend that actually knows you and you don't even like her that much.
You have cut yourself off from your family and embraced your in-laws like they are some kind of saints. I don't get it. You MIL is a slut, and your FIL is a snob (and also kindof slutty) but you think they're fantabulous. How the hell are they better than our Mom?? At least she never deliberately hurt us.
You're a sorry piece of shit, and I don't want you around my kids anymore. You can't have your cake and eat it too, you have to pick. If you want to be one big happy fucking family you have to acknowledge my husband and apologize to me. If not then fuck off.

Unfortunately, she's not speaking to me, so I will never get to deliver my diatribe, and when we see each other at family functions, she puts on a great show, so that the whole family thinks I'm the problem. It pisses me off, obviously. But really, if I'm being honest, it's probably a good thing she's not speaking to me, because I get very doormatty with her, so if we did talk it would probably go like this:

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you.

* I promise that I'm not THAT bad of a mother. I would never actually say that to Oliver. I would eventually come up with something very stern, yet supportive and ground him (unless he chose to be beaten, in which case, who am I to argue??)
** I haven't had a normal conversation with my sister, Amara, since the week before Perry moved out. Don't ask why, because I don't actually know, when I asked she said that I was "too sick to understand and she wouldn't talk to me until I got some help". I have never so much as touched my nephew and neither he nor my niece know who I am. I suspect that our evil, vindictive, back-stabbing, self-serving and very bi-polar cousin is fueling the fire, and I'm fairly certain that her husband, Mr. Incredible is thrilled.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Bored and Manic All at the Same Time.

Bean & I have only been married since December, and while we dated for over a year before that, I guess somehow he missed Manic-Jenn.

I got bored with the current arrangement of the rooms in our house, or maybe inspired is a better word. So I asked him if we could move them and he said yes.

So Monday I steam cleaned the carpet in the front room and moved as much of the dining stuff out as I could. Then I went shopping and bought some new curtains and picture frames and a bookcase and an end table. Then I came home and moved the TV in our bedroom onto the floor, ganked that TV stand and moved it into the front room that was dry. Then I started reframing some pictures and ordering some others to pick up later. Then I put together the end table, moved some DVD shelves and reorganized the DVDs and finally made Bean help me move the massive four thousand lbs TV from the middle room into the front room, and I ganked that TV stand and took it back to our room and put the TV on it.

Oh yeah, and I also moved our bed. It was fun.

And this whole time Bean's all "WTF is wrong with you woman?!?!".

And I'm just like "Nuthin. Just want to get this done."

So today, I moved the couch out of the middle room into the front room, put together my bookcase, moved my books all around, finished the pictures and started hooking up the TV and hung the curtains.

And Bean's still all "WTF?!?!"

Eh. He'll get used to it.