Saturday, April 30, 2011

Shit I Did When I Wasn't Blogging

I'm not actually going to list all the shit I did when I wasn't blogging because that would take a long ass time.

But I am going to explain to you how my mother works.

If you think really hard, you'll remember that we had some work done on the house. I'm not sure that I posted how all of this happened..

The way all of this came about started about 2 years ago when I looked at my mother and said - "Damn I hate this paneling, it would be really nice to get it taken down."

Then about a year ago, she and I had at least 3 extended discussions on how we should get tile in the front part of the house, because the carpet literally looked like shit.

And about 6 months ago, I mentioned to her how I'd like to get rid of the goofy little brick half-wall between the breakfast nook and the living room because really all it was good for was collecting random ass things as people walk in the back door.

But she never said anything about calling a contractor.

In fact I mentioned to her that while the kids and I were gone for Spring Break would have been the perfect opportunity to have the floors done since it would be just her and Bean home.

So we got home from Spring Break and no work had been done on the house. Not that I was actually surprised..

Then, on March 21st just before I went to bed she says:

"They're coming tomorrow to take down the paneling."

Excuse me?? Who is "They"?? How long have you known this??


And then I talked to her on the 22nd and she tells me:

"You forgot to clear off the kitchen table so I had to do ALL of that myself."

I'm sorry. I have an actual day job.. my bad.

So that night (because I'm that kind of a passive-aggressive person when it comes to Mom) I really cleaned off the kitchen table (because she just stacked shit on top of it and moved it over), moved it to the dining room, moved all the other furniture to the office, unloaded the china cabinet and took all the pictures off the walls. And made dinner for the kids.

The following weekend I painted.

Because Mom really had no idea when they were coming back to do the tile.

I didn't finish, so the next weekend, I painted again.

On Monday night (April 4th) Mom tells me that they're coming back on Tuesday (April 5th) to start the tile. And that she's already asked my cousin, Number 5 to come over and help me move shit out of the way.

So after busting my ass all weekend painting, and going to work on Monday, I came home and boxed up everything breakable, completely unhooked all the computers, cleaned off every surface that wasn't nailed down, and lined it up so that Number 5 could move it all to the garage.

It took me 3 days to be able to move without wincing.

They finished the floors on something like the 16th. And I still haven't fully recovered..

Plus, on the 13th, Tallulah's dog, Harriet, had puppies - 7 of them. So if anyone wants a little rat wiener dog of their very own, I have 2 girls left.

Friday, April 29, 2011

For the Love of All Things Bright and Shiny

You all know that I adore my husband.

He is perfect for me and for the most part his foibles and idiosyncrasies don't really bother me..

But lately, the man has completely missed the mark when it comes to gift giving.

And please don't get me wrong, I'm not really that materialistic.. I'm fine with something little that means alot, a box of my favorite cookies, a gift certificate for a mani/pedi.. a new battery for the watch that I never wear because it needs a new battery.....

And in his defense, he's a procrastinator all the time, so I'm not really sure why I would expect his gift giving to be any different, except for exhibit A:

This is my Christmas present from 2008. Bean had just gotten out of the hospital and I got it before Christmas. It all stemmed from an off-handed email that I sent him in August 2008 with a link to this website saying "how cool is this?!?!". That's all, nothing more. I wasn't even angling for one, or at least not really.

In 2009 Bean didn't have a job, so he was excused from all gift giving.

In 2010 I can't really remember what he got me other than a digital picture frame (maybe that was Christmas 2009??) that I like, but have nowhere to put..

Then we get to this year..

Christmas, he forgot to order something..

Anniversary, he made me a paper rose (I like the traditional gifts), but it was late, by about 2 months I think..

Valentine's Day, he got me a bracelet and earrings to match my "J" necklace, but those were late too..

And now we're coming to Mother's Day.

For the love of all things bright and shiny, can I get some fucking flowers ON THE DAY??

Obviously I'd like something actually bright and shiny, but flowers will work. Tulips maybe.. In a couple of bright, happy colors.. Maybe a card??

He's got a pass for my birthday, because I already bought my laptop for myself, so really this is the last chance for these twelve months for him to get it right..

And please, if you like Bean at all and want his continued company on this planet, next year around Thanksgiving could someone PLEASE remind him that there are some VERY nice purses that come in cotton.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Secretary's Day

Today is Secretary's Day -
On this most blessed day, my boss and I have an agreement:

  • I do not have to do any actual work, unless I want to.
  • He has to do all of my actual work if I ask him to.
  • He is not allowed to bitch at me or nit-pick.
  • He must provide me with flowers.
  • He also must buy me lunch, and not that rabbit food that he eats, but an actual good lunch.
  • He must see that I am adequately supplied in chocolate.
  • He gives me a massive raise, just for today, because I showed up on what totally should be a secretary's holiday.

Ok, not really.

Our agreement is:
He will buy me flowers and I will be nice to him for the rest of the year.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Chick Fight

I realize that I haven't posted in forever and why is a post for another day.

Today is all about the chick fight I want to get into with the bitch in our main office.

We don't have an HR person. Instead we have the VP of Money and the Bitch of Payroll. I have walked a very fine line with the Bitch of Payroll for a long ass time. I kiss her ass and pretend that I don't think she fucked something up everytime I ask her to fix my guy's paychecks. I talk sweetly to her and kiss her ginormous ass and everytime I'm at the main office I devote 30 minutes to listening to her tell me ALL about her life.

Yesterday I had a migraine from hell. I mean can't-lift-your-head-off-the-pillow-the-husbands-voice-is-needles-through-your-skull-the-light-from-the-crack-in-the-closet-door-is-a-knife-through-your-closed-eyes-and-fuck-dealing-with-children-because-everytime-you-think-about-getting-up-the-world-spins-and-you-vomit migraine. And our company has this beautiful policy of "no doctor's note no pay" for sick days. It makes me want to bring a note from my mommy as well. (In fact if I ever won the lottery that's what I'd do. I'd take a sick day and come back to work with a note from my mommy instead of the doctor and when they bitched about that I'd bring a doctor's note with no diagnosis on it and tell them how fucking ILLEGAL they are being by making me have a diagnosis on my sick note from my mommy doctor.)
Anyway. So yesterday as I was contemplating how much I shouldn't be driving to go to the doctor I thought that maybe there was a form that I could turn in from a doctor saying that I have been diagnosed with migraines and might miss work from time to time for them and maybe that would count as my doctors note. So in my foggy head it seemed like a good idea to call and ask the Bitch of Payroll. Notsomuch.

I won't lie to you and say that I was pleasant. I was in pain. But I did apologize to her several times for my waspishness, and she said "Oh don't worry about it, I get migraines too!!" and then she told me that I could a) go to the doctor and bring back a note b)not go to the doctor and ask Red-neck Boss if I could use a vacation day (which I need for Bean's surgery) or c) not get paid.

And we got off the phone and she immediately called Anal Boss to complain because I called her.

So today I got pulled into Red-neck Boss's office to ask me about my phone call with the Bitch of Payroll.

Seriously?!?!? Payroll is a people centric job. If you cannot talk to people without getting your panties in a wad YOU SHOULD NOT DO IT.

I think maybe I should file a complaint because the Bitch of Payroll said hello to me last week and that's not following the chain of command. She needs to tell the VP of Money to tell Anal Boss to tell Red-neck Boss that she said hello.

And this is why I hate working with women.