Well, today I finished Season 3 (the most recent season) and decided that I hate Tara.
She's the heroine's best friend. And at first I really liked her because she was sassy and spunky and even though she had a fucked up co-dependant relationship with her mom, she was still a good friend, and when drunk, fun to be around.
But then she got herself into an impossible situation and cried about it. And somehow, someone pulled her out of said impossible situation and she cried because they did.
And as soon as you think she's done watering the grass.. lather, rinse, repeat..
Yeah, I'm tired of Tara.
And then I thought..
Fuck, I'm the pathetic, whiny side-kick.
Here I am all spunky and sassy and fun when mixed with alcohol. But then you've got my co-dependant relationship with my mother and impossible situation after impossible situation and someone has to come pull Jenn's ass out of the fire again.
Fuck.
And now I'm thinking about it, and who's the hero??
Bean?? Miley?? Connie?? Hero??
No idea.
Anyrambling..
If I'm going to be the pathetic whiny side-kick who always fucks up and needs the hero to come in and save them because they're too stupid to realize that if they just never left the house (or maybe got a new best friend) that all the crazy ass shit would stop happening, can I at least be like Angel and get my own show eventually??
Lately, life has been throwing me alot of curve balls, and really, I suck at baseball (and every other sport known to man).
Oliver is being bullied at school. The kids are all calling him gay and saying he has a "mangina" and asking if he's a girl. So he cut his "luscious locks" that he loved. And he's having trouble with his teachers. They refuse to make accomodations for him. At all. He's brilliant, but he's also forgetful and high energy and unfocused. As a result, his grades are in the toilet. So he wants to be medicated.
I hate that. I love my silly, eccentric, crazy, imaginative boy. I don't want him to change. But he's 11 years old and if he feels like he needs help, I have to respect that.
Bean's health is appalling. He can barely walk he's in so much pain from the osteonecrosis in his hips. And because he hurts so badly, he's nauseated. So he can't hold down food much. We've been to the urgent care twice and the hospital once in the last 6 months for dehydration.
It hurts me so much to see him in pain. But I can't mother him. It doesn't work when his mother does it and it's not going to work if I do it.
Tallulah's growing up. And my sweet compliant child has gotten an attitude. Now instead of having an ally who helps me with just about anything without being told twice (and in some cases without being asked at all) is arguing with me about everything.
I knew it was going to happen, but at 7??
Mom is still Mom. Nosy as all get out and touchy about everything.
I can't expect her to change after 60 years of being this way.
And I still can't find a Doctor who will listen to me about my weight gain and fatigue.
With all of this going on, I've decided that I need a theme song and this is what I've chosen:
Bring on the Rain by JoDee Messina
Another day has almost come and gone, Can't imagine what else could go wrong. Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door. A single battle lost but not the war.
'Cause tomorrow's another day and I'm thirsty anyway So bring on the rain.
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round. A couple drops and they all start comin down. Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head, I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead.
No, cause tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, So bring on the rain.
No I'm not gonna let it get me down. I'm not cry, and I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight.
'Cause tomorrow's another day, and I am not afraid, so bring on the rain.
To me, this song is about acceptance, which is something I have a really hard time with. I can handle just about whatever comes, but for some reason I can't accept that this is my life.
I will always have drama, I will never be rich. I'm not a skinny girl and I never will be. The love of my extended family is conditional and my sister is a bitch. I may never finish school or even go back at all and my dreams of being a Rock Star are just that, dreams.
But I am loved, by two of the most amazing children God ever created and a man who is so strong of heart that it brings tears to my eyes. I have friends that I don't have any idea what I did to deserve and I have two sisters in spirit that will love me no matter what.
But the best part is even though the rain is pouring, I am happy.
Saturday was Hero's daughter, Cassidy's birthday party.
Normally I don't go to Hero's house, because she lives in BFE (that's Butt-Fuck Egypt in case you didn't know). But since I'm hoping this is the last year she'll live there I decided to go.
So I gathered up my stuff and took off at 9 am.
I made a pit-stop in Conroe to give Connie back the phone charger that she'd left at my house a few weeks ago.
We met up at Target and she only had 2 out of her 3 kids, one, Leni, who is the same age as Cassidy. So I decided to steal her for the day.
We had a blast.
I loved hanging out with Leni. She hasn't spent as much time with me as her older siblings, so it was just nice to be with her.
She cracked me up - I was listening to a book on my MP3 player and she was in the back seat commenting on it all the way up there. And when we got back in the car to go home, she told me to put it back on.
Anyway, so I borrowed my kid from Target and took off. This place was like an hour off of the freeway in BFE. I had almost no cell reception, and had to drive 30 minutes away to find a Sonic (though, to be fair I think they have a Sonic in town, I just didn't know how to get there). They do have a Walmart, and a Bealls (that's pronounced "Bells" just so you know), but I think the nearest Target is like an hour away.
But I did snag this picture.
That's Hero, taking her turn at the pinata. And yes, it's Spiderman, for a little girl's fourth birthday.
It's time to get a little sappy and serious y'all. Sorry.
My cousin, Hero is about 5 years younger than I am, and she and I have a lot in common - we're both a little on the volatile side, we have similar ideas of how people should live (as in how often you should do the dishes and what it means to do laundry), we are both crazy loyal to our friends and love our family, and we both had a not so great childhood.
I think Hero would probably agree with the way I like to describe my childhood,
A lot of people had it worse, but it should have been better.
She moved in with us during high school, mostly because I was feeling pushy one day, and after high school she went to the community college nearby.
She was doing really well, working, going to class and not a whole lot of partying (which is unnatural, but, hey). And then she came up pregnant.
She moved back home with her dad and took her boyfriend with her and transfered everything to the Community College of BFE.
And had the most gorgeous daughter, Cassidy.
And you know, she's an amazing mother. She plays with her, takes good care of her, disciplines her. I have no idea where she learned it, because she certainly didn't have a good model growing up, but that girl is amazing.
Hero graduated with her bachelor's degree yesterday from Sam Houston State.
I want to say I'm proud of her, but for some reason that sounds condescending coming from me, little Ms. No Degree.
I think that it would be more accurate to say that I'm in awe of her.
She graduated from college in 5 years.
With a child.
While working. And paying bills. And putting up with bullshit.
We have other cousins and family members with college degrees, she's not the first. And I'm not belittling anyone who went to college, but Amara and Mrs. #2 didn't work through college at all. And #1, #2, and #3 may have worked through college, but they didn't have a child and they could have gone back home to the parents whenever they wanted.
Plus, there are people on every corner and in every walk of life who use childhood's like Hero had as excuses for being assholes, and for not being able to do anything productive, and I'm not sure that it even occurred to her that it's an option.
I'm in awe.
Also, I'm ashamed.
Of myself.
Because I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it before my first marriage because I was an idiot. And I couldn't do it while I was married to Perry because he wouldn't have supported me and he truly made me feel like an imbecile, plus he would have seen an affair in every classroom.
And now, there's the bills and Bean's health and all these other things that make me feel like I shouldn't.
When I think that maybe the real issue is that I'm terrified I'll fail.
But Hero kind of makes me feel like I can. Not because if she can do it, then I can do it better, but because it makes me realize that the personality traits that she has that made it possible for her to finish, are traits that we share.
Impatience - we don't like to wait for someone else to do something, we'll just do it our selves.
Stubbornness - we will make it work this way dammit!!
So really, the only thing Hero's got on me is bravery, and that she has in spades.
