She’ll be Screamin’ Round the Mountain When She Comes

The whole Switzerland Colorado trip has me thinking about my first experience going there, and it was one of those things that was NOT funny to me, but probably was fucking hilarious to everyone else.

I drove us the whole 18 hours to get there, because Bean was still pretty sick. And I’m from Houston. We don’t have hills much less mountains.

For most of the drive I was fine. I like to drive on roadtrips. But then we got to Raton Pass.

Me: Why do they have the pictures of rocks on the side of the road??

Bean: That’s to tell you to watch out for falling boulders

Me: Excuse me?!?!

Bean: It’s okay honey. There won’t be any falling boulders.

Me Ok.

Me: What do the signs about crosswinds mean??

Bean: Ummmm…..

Me: What?!?!

Bean: Well, they mean that, um, the crosswinds are sometimes strong enough to knock over an eighteen wheeler. But-they-are-not-that-strong-tonight-so-don’t-worry.

Me: A FUCKING EIGHTEEN WHEELER COULD BE KNOCKED OFF OF THE STUPID FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!!!! THE SAME ONE THAT YOU ARE HAVING ME DRIVE ON?!?!?!?!?

Bean: Baby, it’s the only way to get to BFE. It’s gonna be fine. You’re doing great.

Me (starting to cry): Ok…… DOES THAT FUCKING SIGN SAY MOOSE CROSSING?!?!?!? THE MOOSES CAN NOT CROSS!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!! IS THAT A FUCKING MOOSE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD?!?!?!?! IT IS!!!!!!!! BEAN, TELL THE FUCKING MOOSE TO STAY PUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bean: The mooses are staying, baby. It’s okay. You’re doing great.

Me (tears now streaming down my face): I AM NOT DOING GREAT!!!!! I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!