Friday, February 26, 2010

The Canada/Nepal Theory Proven

Yeah. So in case you missed it - I'm certain that Canada is evil, only nobody cares because everyone is too busy hating the United States (you should really read the other blog about it - it was awesome).

But I found someone who completely agrees with me - a celebrated author, Rick Riordan, the guy that wrote the Percy Jackson books.

See, it started with an unofficial field trip I went on with Oliver.

We went to the movies to see The Lightening Thief (which was a really good movie, but only an okay book adaptation). I really enjoyed it because I hadn't read the book yet (because Oliver kept losing it everytime I went to read it), but his class didn't because they all had.

So when we got home I started the book. And when I finished The Lightening Thief, I started Sea of Monsters.

At the beginning of Sea of Monsters Percy is attacked by Laistrygonians, huge cannibals who live in the far north and who never come as far south as New York. And when he asks for the English translation he's told "Canadians". See, Canadians are evil.

And really throughout the whole series there are all kinds of monsters that come down from Canada, so I am not the only person who thinks that Canadians are evil, Rick Riordan also aparantly thinks this, he just covers it up by saying "Its a story". But us Canada/Nepal Theory Devotees know better. We know that he's a fellow believer.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010



This is Bean's contribution to my blog.. yeah. There's a whole story there, and it does not involve a mastiff, a canary or a fry daddy, but it was still pretty funny.

Overuse of the Word Facetious

I've decided that facetious is the first fifty cent word that anyone ever learns. Heck, Oliver had it down when he was like 4.

But I work with some pretty red-necked guys. And they have recently discovered this word. So everytime I turn around they're doing something "facetiously".

Only I don't think they really know what it means. So they'll say

I was being facetious!!

when I pretend to be totally offended by their off color joke.

But they also say

That's so facetious!!

After someone else tells another off color joke in response.

I mean maybe I just don't really understand the word correctly, but.. yeah..

Plus, they all use it in just about every other sentence.

Do you think I might be able to introduce a "word of the week" policy just so that I don't get bored??

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Canada/Nepal Theory and The Winter Olympics or maybe The Things Bean and I Fight About

So tonight Bean decided that my plans of catching up on "The Vampire Diaries" were off and we were going to watch the Opening Ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. And so I thought:

Alright, that's cool, I like the Olympics, right??

Plus he's been working, and it's cold, and all I really cared about was sharing body heat.

Wow. The Opening Ceremonies are boring. So he started talking about some South Park something where they thought that Canada was secretly evil, but I disagree.

Me: I don't think that Canada has to be secretly evil, because nobody cares about Canada because it's so close to the United States and they're all busy hating us.

Bean: ??

Me: I mean it's like Nepal, it could be like Utopia or something, and nobody would care because it's so close to China that nobody would care because everybody's all worried about China being all mean and bad and stuff.

Bean: Honey, some people really think Nepal, IS great.

Me: Well yeah, but I'm saying that it could only rain at night and be the perfect temperature and have no unemployment and no starving people and everybody could be all happy - and nobody on a GLOBAL scale would care because of China.

Bean: Ok.....

Me: I like this theory. We can call it the Canada/Nepal Theory.

Bean: You can call it the Canada/Nepal Theory. It's your theory.

Me: You mean you don't support me?!?!

Bean: I didn't say that, but it's your theory.

So then we were bored for a little bit longer and then somehow we got around to how it's snowing everywhere but Canada (where everyone is evil), so they had to make the snow. So I had this brilliant idea that if you can make snow, then WE can have the Winter Olympics in Houston. Bean didn't think I was brilliant.

Me: So if the evil Canadians can make snow, then so can we - WE should have the Winter Olympics here!!

Bean: That's never going to happen.

Me: Why not??

Bean: Because it has to be cold.

Me: It's freaking freezing outside!!

Bean: And there has to be snow.

Me: But we can make it.

Bean: And you have to petition to have the Olympics in your city and it costs money and then you have to build a stadium...

Me: But we have LOTS of stadiums, we can just use one of those.

Bean: Ok, then we have to petition the NFL or whoever to use their stadium.

Me: Well that's no problem, they'll say yes.

Bean: It will never happen.

Me: I haven't heard a single good reason yet.

Bean: There are no mountains. What are you going to do, give the hill country Viagra??

Me: No!! (what a ridiculous idea - I mean really..)

Me: We'll make them. I mean they just have to go down them, right??

Mommy Play with Me!!

I am apparantly I horrible mother. On Mondays my kids don't get home until 6 or so, and then it's homework, dinner, bath & bedtime. This Tuesday, I took them to the park to play while I walked. Wednesdays & Thursdays are Dad's nights and every other weekend we veg for the most part.
But I watch their shows, and read books (yeah ok, that's only when begged), sing songs (that one is whenever asked, and sometimes spontaneously, and often just to annoy), and I paint toe nails, and take shopping trips and lunch dates and all kinds of things.

But I'm not really a play on the floor with the Barbies kindof Mom & I'm am the most uncrafty person on the face of the planet, and these are the kinds of things Talullah loves. So she's taken to telling me:

Mommy you NEVER play with me.

I have no answer for that.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


This is Connie. She's my cousin and quite possibly the only person (other than Bean) that I couldn't live without. She was supposed to come over for lots of wine and dancing and possibly karaoke this weekend but couldn't because her ex-husband is a douche-canoe (I totally stole that - I'm not that good).

She's also one of the few people who can bring me down from one of my hysterical outbursts without breaking a sweat.

She's awesome and I love her, and I just wanted you to know.

New Service or maybe Train Wreck

Since they cancelled the 9:45 Contemporary Service at my church they've been working on a new contemporary service that's supposed to start up on Feb 21st at 5:00.

It's supposed to be involving the Youth Band and be about 30 minutes long and have all kinds if different things going into it..

They've got me helping with the planning, because I did most of the planning for the old service.

And that's cool and everything, except that I really don't care all that much and they haven't really listened to anything that I've said which makes me not care even more.

Plus they haven't figured out the order of the service yet, and they've only practiced 2 of the 4 songs, and they're supposed to be getting me Powerpoint so that I can do the slideshow, but they haven't.

So either, by the grace of God it's all going to fall into place, or:



Bob is my favorite guy that I don't actually know from work. Bean says that I have to really careful about what I say about work so that none of my non-existent readers can figure out where I really work (since I'm forever talking about how I want to blowup all the boats) so I can't tell you what he does, but he's super nice.

Most of the guys who I don't really know are kind of rude to me, they like to tell me how to do my job, or they assume that I'm the other chic that works in the office (which is a little insulting since I've been there longer than she has).

But Bob called one day and asked very nicely if I could make a list for him of something (which Bean says I can't explain any better than that), and since he asked all nicely, I did.

And because of the nature of this list, it changes every once in awhile so I send him an updated list everytime it changes, because he's nice.

I've never met Bob, and I probably never will, but in my head he looks like the Gordon's Fisherman.

I Love My Family Except

I started off this post with a whole dissertation on how much I love my family and then I was boring myself, so I started over.

The whole 27 paragraphs (ok it wasn't that long, but it was really long & boring) boiled down to this:
I love my family. They rock.

Except some people in my family think I'm not very nice. And that really wouldn't bother me at all, because sometimes I am not very nice. Sometimes I am downright evil, and I like it.

But what makes me very mad is that they think I'm being evil, when I'm not.

Because certain members of my family are very sneaky and manipulative and backstabby (yes I just made that word up, and it may be my new favorite word) so they think that I am of course, also sneaky and manipulative and backstabby.

I would be completely ok with people thinking that I was being evil when I was in fact being evil, but when I call someone up and say:

"I just wanted to see how you're doing"

And somehow that's evil.. Yeah, I don't get it.

I guess I would if I was backstabby, but since I'm not, I don't.

And maybe I would be backstabby, but the way I see it - if you stab someone in the back, you totally miss out on seeing their facial expression when they realize what you've just done to them. And that takes all the joy out of being evil, so why do it?

F.B.I Update

I love my job.

On Thursday I sent an email to the over-achieving safety chic, it went something like this:

Dear Over-achieving Safety Chic,
We have an situation here that I feel needs to be brought to your attention. There are two very fishy barrels in our parking lot, that may contain explosives or possibly homeless midgets, we're not sure which. But either way I think that falls under your jurisdiction seeing as explosives are obviously very dangerous and homeless midgets could possibly also be dangerous.
Could you please take care of the F.B.I. as I really don't want to be blown up or accosted by homeless midgets. I've attached pictures.
Thank you.

She replied:
Dear Jenn,
I have some questions:

When did the barrels appear?

Where are they currently located?

Do they have any markings or labels?

Has anyone else been informed?

My response:
Dear Over-achieving Safety Chic,

About a week ago.

In the parking lot.

I have no idea, since I have not gotten close enough to see that. I made one of the guys take the pictures I sent to you.

Everyone in the office.

And then she sent an email to all the higher ups saying that they should probably have the building management take care of that. Somehow I don't think that she believes there are explosives or midgets in the barrels.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My Demise

I am totally going to die. You should absolutely not come have lunch with me or bring me flowers or visit me at work for any reason whatsoever. Really. Because someone left these really creepy barrels of something out in our parking lot.

I should now mention that our parking lot is right off a major freeway and so it's kind of a pain to get to so noone would think to themselves,

"Gee what a nifty place to store my creepy barrels!"

Oh, and we're also in just about the ghettoest place you can be in Houston without actually being in one of the wards and noone has stolen them, so they are too creepy even for the creeps.. Yeah.

Plus since all the really awesome people on the ship channel work in my building, it would be an fantastic terrorist target..

But I don't think that a terrorist put them there, I think that the creepy ex employee who came to work on his last day looking like he had a bomb strapped to his chest is the one who put them there..

He SAYS that it was a karate gui under his sweater, but I think he was just happy to see me..

Anyway.. I'm totally going to email these pictures to the over-achieving safety chic and tell her we have an F.B.I. and she should investigate it, and possibly call the other FBI, because those barrels could explode at any minute.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Why I'm Crazy

This is my first serious boyfriend ever - he now does musical theater in his free time. Too bad noone mentioned to him that traditionally men play men, and women play women (and they also wear clothes). I guess there's not alot of selection in Montana.

And you wonder why I'm scarred and crazy??