Friday, March 11, 2011

A Theme Song for JJ

Lately, life has been throwing me alot of curve balls, and really, I suck at baseball (and every other sport known to man).

Oliver is being bullied at school. The kids are all calling him gay and saying he has a "mangina" and asking if he's a girl.
So he cut his "luscious locks" that he loved.
And he's having trouble with his teachers.
They refuse to make accomodations for him. At all.
He's brilliant, but he's also forgetful and high energy and unfocused. As a result, his grades are in the toilet.
So he wants to be medicated.

I hate that. I love my silly, eccentric, crazy, imaginative boy. I don't want him to change. But he's 11 years old and if he feels like he needs help, I have to respect that.

Bean's health is appalling.
He can barely walk he's in so much pain from the osteonecrosis in his hips. And because he hurts so badly, he's nauseated. So he can't hold down food much.
We've been to the urgent care twice and the hospital once in the last 6 months for dehydration.

It hurts me so much to see him in pain. But I can't mother him. It doesn't work when his mother does it and it's not going to work if I do it.

Tallulah's growing up. And my sweet compliant child has gotten an attitude. Now instead of having an ally who helps me with just about anything without being told twice (and in some cases without being asked at all) is arguing with me about everything.

I knew it was going to happen, but at 7??

Mom is still Mom. Nosy as all get out and touchy about everything.

I can't expect her to change after 60 years of being this way.

And I still can't find a Doctor who will listen to me about my weight gain and fatigue.

With all of this going on, I've decided that I need a theme song and this is what I've chosen:

Bring on the Rain by JoDee Messina

Another day has almost come and gone,
Can't imagine what else could go wrong.
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door.
A single battle lost but not the war.

'Cause tomorrow's another day
and I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round.
A couple drops and they all start comin down.
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head,
I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead.

No, cause tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
So bring on the rain.

No I'm not gonna let it get me down.
I'm not cry,
and I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight.

'Cause tomorrow's another day,
and I am not afraid,
so bring on the rain.

To me, this song is about acceptance, which is something I have a really hard time with.
I can handle just about whatever comes, but for some reason I can't accept that this is my life.

I will always have drama, I will never be rich. I'm not a skinny girl and I never will be. The love of my extended family is conditional and my sister is a bitch. I may never finish school or even go back at all and my dreams of being a Rock Star are just that, dreams.

But I am loved, by two of the most amazing children God ever created and a man who is so strong of heart that it brings tears to my eyes. I have friends that I don't have any idea what I did to deserve and I have two sisters in spirit that will love me no matter what.

But the best part is even though the rain is pouring, I am happy.

And this too shall pass.


Aunt Crazy said...

Acceptance that our life is not what we dreamed it would be but still ok anyway is hard, fucking hard. I think you're a wonderful person and I'm in your corner!!!

Candance said...

I know I'm a little late to the party here, but the thing about your son got my I-Know-Just-Enough-To-Be-Dangerous teacher red flag waving. Plus, he sounds a lot like my Max (who also just got his long beautiful hair cut off). I know he says he wants to be medicated and that's totally y'all's deal. While subbing, I've had kids in class I wish to hell someone would medicate, so I understand. But, your son is bored. He's not being challenged and that's not due to a medical condition alone. That's a teacher problem. Because Max is so gifted, his public school teacher gave him extra spelling words every week to challenge him. She gave him higher level reading than the other kids and additional reading projects, like keeping a journal. Basically, she's did exactly what you said you're son's teacher didn't do-she made accommodations. You can go to the school and try to get the same for your son or consider a charter school because the meds will alter his creativity and personality and that makes me sad when all he needs is a teacher who isn't too lazy to challenge him.