Sunday, March 20, 2011

Let Dead Dads Lie

I've never written a more painful post.

I've also never been so angry and hurt and conflicted.

I'm not sure that I've mentioned this before, but my father, who died when I was 15 was a pedophile and I was his victim.

It's not something I talk about often and it doesn't define who I am. But it's one of those things that occassionally rears its ugly head and comes back to bite me in the ass.

Like tonight.

Mom was cleaning out her desk a few weeks ago and found a journal that Dad was forced to keep for his probation after I outed him.

Mom wanted to know if I wanted to read them and I didn't that particular day, but she left them on her desk and everytime I walked through her room they were there staring at me.

So tonight I didn't have the kids and Mom was gone, so I went and got them.

I should have left it alone.

The vast majority of the entries, that spanned two months, were complaints: about writing, exhaustion, lonliness, work, money and chores. He wrote about how his situation was hard for him - he wasn't allowed contact with children of any kind. How he missed the family enviroment, my mother and my sister.

In two months worth of entries my name appeared 3 times. He hadn't seen or spoken to me in 7 months, and never would again, he died within a month of the last entry.

I am hurt, and angry and confused.

I never idealized him, and saw him as a sick bastard that sometimes could be very kind and loving. But I guess I thought he was remorseful in the end. And that in his deluded, sick way, he loved me.

But his journal tells me a different story.

He never said that he was sorry, or that he regretted what he did to me. They gave me more of the impression that he was sorry he got caught, not really that he did it.

He also never says he missed me. He mentions Amara and missing her and being sorry that he hurt her (he never laid a hand on her), but never me.

What kind of father doesn't miss his child when separated from them for 7 months?

(and let's not get into the obvious - "the same kind that could molest said child".)

And I was sick during this period - passing out for no apparant reason at least once a week.

He talks about Fantasy Football 50 times more that he talks about me!!

I'm angry. And outraged. And really I don't have many coherent thoughts. I just needed to vent.

I promise I'll be back to my old snarky self soon.


Sarah R said...

I'm so sorry! I can somewhat relate. My father was not a pedophile, but he was extremly abusive. He abused my mom for 22 years (she was with him starting at age 16) and us kids too. I'm the oldest of 5. He verbally and physically abused us, as well as controlled our every move (my mom had to make $70 last a week for groceries, gas, and any other needs that came up -- for a family of 7!).

My mom got the courage to leave him in 2001. She talked to the women's shelter and the police and secretly filed for divorce and a restraining order, which were then served to him, completely surprising him.

He never apologized, because in his eyes he did nothing wrong. People like him can somehow "justify" their actions. He never apparently threw my mom down on the ceramic tile, causing permanent back and hip injuries. He never took my 5-year-old brother and slammed his head against a door frame, causing him to need stitches (and to lie to the doctor and say he was just fighting with me). He never called us ugly and stupid or spit in our faces. He never took his weight-lifting belt and whipped us repeatedly for simply making too much noise. He never threatened my mom's life if she were to ever leave him.

In his mind he did NOTHING wrong. People like him are sick in the head. They are broken. They will never get it, becasue they don't think rationally like you and I.

I am just glad my mom got out. My father's grandma wasn't so lucky, and she was murdered in front of one of their children (before that sad SOB took his own life, leaving 3 kids orphans who would go from group home to group home).

I hate that there are people like my dad in this world. I hate to say this, because I do feel guilt, but I have wished him dead plenty of times in my childhood. He only fathered me, he never was a dad.

Dani said...

Dear Jennifer,

I know that I havent been around much but I saw this post and had to comment.

I too was sexually abused as a child. Like you I do NOT let it define me and I live my life to the best of my abilities. Yes, the experience fucked me up, so to speak, I have REAL issues with trust and forgiveness, as well as sexual relationships as an adult. I blame myself almost daily for what happened to me. It was NOT my father, but my grandfather. He sexually molested me from the age of 3 until I was about 13. When I was 13 he was diagnosed with Prostate cancer and died a few years after that. HE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED. Even though he was remorseful in the end, it doesnt matter!!! He had it coming. I was not the only one that he tried it with. I did my best as a child and pleaded that he not touch my younger sister that he just come to me when he wanted something. So as a child, I took on the world and have carried it my WHOLE life! Im glad that he only bothered me and that he left the others alone, but what I am really really proud of is the fact that he died knowing that he was getting dealt the hand that he deserved!!!! I cried at the funeral, not because he was dead but because I was SOOOOOO happy that he was dead and would never do that to another person! I was HAPPY because I would never have to explain to my kids why they could not be alone with their great-grandfather. I was happy that he DIED.

I still blame myself for what happened and that I didnt try to speak up and stop it. I am SO envious of the people like you who had the GUTS to STOP WHAT WAS HAPPENING!!!!! I just want to tell you that when the truth did come out about what he had did to me.....things got really rough. My mother made me look at a picture of him almost daily and talk about how much that bastard LOVED me. I HATED that!!!!! Dont worry about the journal.....its a coping mechanism for YOUR MOM not you!!! She wants to see him as a regular person, instead of the filthy beast that he was. Talking about Fantasy Football, to her was his way of letting her know that he was normal. That JOURNAL is NOT for you, so you just put that back on the desk for your mother and put it out of your mind. He affected a LOT of people with his perverted choices, and they all have a way to cope. Yours is by KNOWING that he will never do that ever again! He is dead honey! He will never hurt you again!!! I am proud of you for taking the time to read the Journal and I am soooooo proud of you for finding a man like Bean that is so loving and just what you need, and I am even more proud of you for raising your children and being the kind of woman that I can look up to! Whether you know it or really are an inspiration to people! Especially me!

Now, just take that beautiful smile that you have and show it to the world because you are strong and beautiful and you deserve the BEST of everything :)
Luv ya chicka

Attila The Mom said...

Big, big hugs, my friend. Reading that really made my heart hurt.

Aunt Crazy said...

You are AWESOME!!!

The Bipolar Diva said...

All I can say is that I'm sorry. that should have never been.