Saturday, July 31, 2010

I Think I’ll Move to Australia

Do you remember that childrens’ book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day??

Yeah, that’s me yesterday.

It started when I had some freaky dreams. I couldn’t tell you what they were, but they were unpleasant.

Then Bean’s ears were non-functional. So every time I said something, he said, “Huh”.

Ya’ll, I’m not a morning person. I really don’t like to talk at all in the mornings, so to have to talk and repeat myself sucks.

Then, I got to work only to realize I’d forgotten my phone.

My phone is my lifeline. It’s not just “in case the kids need me”, though it does serve that purpose. It has my facebook, my ebook, my blog, my email and the entire flippin’ world wide web.

I need my phone.

Bean, after working 12 hours that night, brought it to me – because he’s that amazing.

But here’s the kicker. (Bare with me a little, because Bean’s editing me big time.)

Earlier this week I made a comment to Mr. Opinionated Next Door. A comment that anyone in their right mind would have taken as a joke, or at the very most would have thought, “Damn, she’s a fucktard”, and then moved on.

Not Mr. OND. He fucking went to Redneck Boss and tattled on me.

So Redneck Boss called me into his office to tear me a new ass.

I told him I was joking.

He tore into my ass some more.

I explained how it should be obvious that I was joking.

He tore my ass some more.

I was now beyond controlling my facial expression so he fucking asked me what was wrong!!

I wanted to say:

What’s wrong is that you’re a pussy assed dickwhistle, and I can’t believe that you didn’t stand up for me to the douchecanoe next door!!

What I actually said was:

I’m livid with Mr. OND. He - and his entire staff - make crude, sexual innuendo laced comments all the fucking time, and I don't say a word. But I say one thing and he decides to get all huffy about it?? That's fucked up

And then I told Redneck Boss that I would just not talk to Mr. OND anymore, so it was fine.

He tried to argue with me and I just told him that nothing in my job required me to talk to Mr. OND.

Here's the thing - I never have attitude at work. At least not real attitude. And the guys all know that I'm joking. They know that I'm not offended and I have never called them on their offensive stuff. Ever. And I have never hesitated to do everything asked of me, even when I feel like it's not my job. I just do it.
So why would Redneck Boss think that all the sudden after 3 years I've gotten attitude????

Plus - Mr. OND is the same guy who royally fucked over Bean and laid him off the minute he was cleared from disability, and I have never acted like I loathe him or even attempted to punch him in the trachea.

Why?? Because even though I work in an extraordinarily UNprofessional office, I am professional.

So suck it Mr. OND & Redneck Boss.

Oh, and I think I'll move to Australia.


Just Me said...

I would so move to Australia. I'm pretty sure I could find a place on that continent that had absolutely no other human being in sight. And with satellite internet available, I could still blog. Yay!!!!

Attila The Mom said...

I'm sorry...I couldn't stop laughing after "douchecanoe"!

You kick ass, Girlie! LOL

Joann Mannix said...

Rule out Australia! My friend just moved back from living there for 6 years with her Australian husband. She said it was hell. Unemployment rates are massive over there and on top of it, she said the Aussies did not her American self one bit. I have a friend who lives in Guam. He says it's like paradise on earth. Might want to think about Guam instead.

Candance said...

I totally hear ya. I worked with Mr. OND. His names was Martin Blake. He, too, was a douchecanoe.

I kind of hope he googles his name and finds this so he can know, that all those times he tattled on me and I got called to the boss' office? We closed the door and laughed about other stuff-sometimes even him. And, the fact that he lost his job to someone else even though he thought he was a shoo-in and the other guy had been there less time is proof that karma is a bitch.

Don't go to Australia, though. We need you here.

cathyjoy said...

well...if you do move to australia be sure you have internet service so i can still stalk you. also? douchecanoe? my new favorite word!!

jules said...

That IS a no good, terrible, bad day. And the fact that your boss is a redneck in general just makes it worse. Hope things are looking up this weekend!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Want me to call my umm friend Marco to come have a little talk with this assbag for you?

Kristy said...

I am so sorry that you had a bad day. Sometimes bosses suck. I have been so preoccupied that I just checked my phone/email and all other communication this afternoon. I hope you have a wonderful weekend to make up for all the garbage at work!

Debbie said...

Problem is, I feel certain there are people like that in Australia too. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.