JJ Goes to the Shrink Part 1

It's no secret that I'm a little on the crazy side. Or maybe alot.

And lately I've been having to try really hard to not punch people in the trachea, so I thought maybe it was time to bite the bullet and find me a shrink.

So I got online and searched through all of my insurance bullshit and found a list of shrinks in my area.

There were 12 that I was willing to drive to.

And the next day at work I started calling.

Y'all, I have a cubicle, in the middle of an office full of extremely nosy men. So for the entirety of these phone calls my ass is sitting outside on a bench in the 3,000,000 degree Houston heat.

Doctor #1

Receptionist: Shrink's office, can you hold?

Me: Sure.

BBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Receptionist: Thank you for holding, how can I help you?

Me: Is your shrink taking new patients??

Receptionist: Yes! Would you like to make an appointment?

Me: Yes.

Receptionist: Please hold.

BBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hung up then. If I can't call the office without migraine inducing hold beeps, then you are not my shrink.

Doctor #2

Receptionist: Shrink's office, how can I help you?

Me: Is your shrink taking new patients??

Receptionist: No. I'm sorry, why did you want to come in?

Me: Umm.. If you're not taking new patients, then I fail to see why that's any of your business. But thanks.

Receptionist: Your welcome!


I will never call that shrink again. Busy-body little phone answerer.

Doctor #3

Receptionist: Shrink's office, how can I help you?

Me: Is your shrink taking new patients??

Receptionist: Yes! Would you like to make an appointment?

Me: Yes.

Receptionist: The next available appointment is on November 19th, would you like me to schedule that?

Me: I was kinda hoping for something a little sooner..

Receptionist: I'm sorry, but we're very busy right now.

Fuck that. I wouldn't be calling if I didn't want to see someone sooner than 3 months from now.

Doctor #4

Receptionist: Shrink's office, how can I help you?

Me: Is your shrink taking new patients??

Receptionist: Yes! Would you like to make an appointment?

Me: Yes.

Receptionist: I have one next Thursday and another on the following Monday.

Me: *sigh* That's fine whichever one is later in the day.

Receptionist: Ok. I just need to get some information from you.

She then proceeded to ask for my insurance information, driver's liscence number, social security number, 3 different contact numbers, emergency contact information, and why I was coming in..

Me: Because my crazy is a little out of control.

Receptionist: Could you clarify that?

Me: People are driving me nuts. They're making me crazier than normal.

Receptionist: I see.... Oh and we're also going to need a credit or debit card number in case you cancel the first appointment. It's the policy with new patients.

Me: I don't have mine on me. Can I make the appointment and call back with that??

Receptionist: No, I'm sorry, but I can save your information and we can put it all in the system then.

I did call back. At 4:30. And got the voicemail:

Thank you for calling Doctor Shrink's office. If you are a current patient and this is an emergency, please dial 1 for our answering service or hang up and dial 911. Our office hours are between 8 and 5. Please leave a message with your name, reason for calling and a number where you can be reached and we'll return your call the next business day.

I'm not a voicemail leaving kind of girl, but I drew myself up ready to leave a voicemail, and then the stupid thing said:

I'm sorry, the mailbox is full. Goodbye.

So many reasons why I didn't call back again. But most of all, only hangup and dial 911 or dial 1 for the answering service if you're a current patient. If your new, go fuck yourself.

Doctors #5 & #6

Both of these had voicemails only that were eerily similiar.

You have reached the confidential voicemail of Doctor Shrink. Please leave a detailed message including your name, telephone number and the reason for your call and it will be returned within 24 hours.

I left a message for Doctor #5 and decided that finding a shrink wasn't worth it.

Because really, people only call these offices when they are either depressed or crazy. It's not like the gynecologist where you're calling because it's that time of the year. Nobody looks up from their perfectly perfect life and says,

You know, I think I'd like to have a yearly checkup with a shrink just to validate my feeling of perfection.

So why would you make it so fucking hard?? If I was depressed I would have slit my wrists after the migraine inducing beeps. And if I was dangerously insane or just a teensy bit more neurotic than I am, I would have flipped out on the nosy receptionist.