Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Me Want a Cookie!!

Sorry about yesterday people..

Here’s the deal, I’ve gotten all kinds of fat lately. And this is not a weight loss blog and it never will be, but it is my blog and I need to lose some weight, so it will get mentioned every now and then. And I also hate being all needy and whiny, but it's bound to happen sometimes..

See in high school I was weighing in around 135 or so. Then I got pregnant with Oliver and put on about 60 lbs with that.

And I lost most of it, ending up at about 150.

Then Tallulah came along and I put on another 60 lbs during that pregnancy and I only lost about 30 lbs of that.

So 3 years ago I was weighing in at around 180 lbs.

And I don’t look huge at 180.

I look chubby.

I’ve been very blessed with this great hourglass figure - if I had boobs then I’d be Betty fucking Boop.

But 180 lbs is too much for me.

I have this theory.

Yes, another one.

I think that you have to pick a weight. And I don’t think it matters what it is, but I think you have to pick a weight that it’s not okay with you to go over. Because if you don’t then where do you stop??

I look fine at 180, so really, what’s wrong with 200?? I bet I don’t look bad there either. But then before you know it, I’ll be 220, and really, what’s the big deal?? So now I’m 250 and now I’m not chubby, I’m certifiably fat, but hey, I’ve still got my hourglass, so really, what’s wrong with 250?? Let’s move on to 275.. And on, and on until the number is too overwhelming to lose.

The weight I’ve picked is 150.

I’m not okay weighing over 150 lbs.

And I don’t think that’s unreasonable. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s still overweight for me according to that whole BMI thing.


Over the last 3 years, I’ve gotten my butt in gear and started making better food choices: not eating much fried, and if there’s a choice, I always choose white meat over red, more veggies, lighter meals, eating breakfast, not too much junk food, etc.

And it really paid off. I went from 180 to 146. It came off slowly, and I didn’t always lose, but if I wasn’t losing, I knew why, I knew that I hadn’t been eating as I should, and after a few weeks of being back on track, the pounds started to come off again.

And I kept the weight off for over a year, long enough to get rid of my fat clothes.

Then in November, I started gaining.

It was slow, and I didn’t really think anything of it at first, it was the holidays for crying out loud, and I was getting married, there was a party around every corner.

Then in February it was still going on. I hit 160 something and got fed up. I went hard core and started making smoothies at home (so that I knew exactly what was in those bad boys) and I’d have one for breakfast and one for lunch and then have some chicken and a small salad for dinner, obviously with some healthy snacks thrown in between.

For three weeks I did this.

My calorie intake was less than 1200.

I gained 10 lbs.

Then my migraines got worse and started giving me some bizarre visual auras, so I went to a headache specialist, Dr. Headache, in May who changed my meds. – Which, by the way, worked great.

In June I went to Dr. No Personality to talk about my weight and he ran tests on everything, but was pretty convinced it was the meds that Dr. Headache put me on. Even though the weight gain started in November and the meds started in May.

The blood tests were all fine when I went back to Dr. No Personality last month and he took me off of one of the meds Dr. Headache put me on, put me back on another medication that doesn’t work and makes me sleepy and said he wanted to give it 2 more months to see if that helped.

So now here we are, I’m exhausted, still gaining weight and my migraines are back full force.

Thus the pizza splurge and yesterday's post.

I feel like my body has betrayed me, and my Doctor's not taking me seriously, plus I hurt and I’m tired, so I’m a little depressed about the whole thing, which makes me want a cookie, or a whole pizza, or both.


Christy said...

I don't have any answers for you either. I know the older I get the harder it is to get rid of weight. I hope they figure out what's going on for you. Sometimes you have to get in the Dr's face to get anywhere. I know, I've been there.

KLZ said...

Doctors are not my favorite. I know they serve a great and noble purpose but most of them have not taken any classes in listening.

Dani said...

He's a lame ass. You know what I do. I "shop" for a doctor. I keep going around until I find one that is there to help me not show me what they learned in medical school. If I say I need pain meds, then they give it to me. If I say I need to quit smoking, then they help me (I had a great dr in Georgia that did this), if I say I need to loose weight, they give me a program and shit that makes the pounds fall off. The first time I mentioned my weight to the dr in GA he offered the tummy band surgery! I declined, but thats the service that I "shop" for. They arent paid to be smart or smart-asses, they are paid to do what I want the way that I want it. You dont go to a resturant, order a steak rare, and when they bring it out it is well done because there is a risk you might get sick. You dont pay for it then and I wont pay for it from a dr either!!!! Just call me miss bitch LMAO

-MissC* said...

I can relate! I kept gaining and gaining and finally after 3 years they finally figured out what I have. So now I am trying desperately to lose the weight!
If you ever need any encouragement or help my two bf's and I just started a blog helping to encourage us all to get thinner!
We would love guest posts!

Sara said...

I think your theory is closer to fact.

I've probably gained 20 pounds in the last year due to this phenomenon.

And to make it worse, I look in the mirror and think, "I look fine." However, I'll look at a photograph and think, "Who is that giant heifer that looks kind of like me?"

Jennifer Juniper said...

@Sara - I HATE pictures!! I won't even let myself be in them past 160 lbs. Of course I'm not a huge fan of the mirror either, but pictures are even worse, they've made me cry because I start thinking that must be what everyone else sees.

cathyjoy said...

Oh...I'm so with you! I just read a book called "When Food is Love" and the author decided to quit dieting and eat whatever she wanted. Eventually (within a couple years) she lost 40 pounds and has ben maintaining it! think i'm gonna try it!

Miss Nikki said...

...can I put my 2 cents worth in here? I worked out like a NUT and did the cardio, and the eating less, and eating healthy... and all that shit... and you know what? I only started losing weight when (and this is when you'll say to yourself "aha! I always KNEW that Miss Nikki chick was a nutcas, and here is PROOF") back to what I was saying before your inner thought so rudely interrupted me... I didn't start losing weight until I could look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I loved me. I know. *it's fucked* but why would a body do anything good to a person who hates it? It WORKED. It really did. That and 2 hours at the gym per day... but really, love yourself in the mirror and your body will give you credit for it.

AND if it doesn't work, at least all those self-esteem issues will be off the hook! ;-)

Best Kept Secrets said...

Good for you! I'm working on losing weight too and it's so hard.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Im always half ass working on losing it far my mind is the only thing Ive succeeded in losing. Ive just learned to embrace the chub.